I was born and raised in a world at war with words and emotions. Where others had nurturing parents and cushy nests to perch on, I was the concrete jungle cub learning to run with the wolves and how to fight, how to kill, how to take what I  needed to survive. Asking for anything you needed, new shoes, lunch money,  a ride to a soccer match, no matter how petty, it warranted a low, rumbling growl and quick snapping at and chasing off in the family household. I was raised to believe that I was quite literally the mistake that was lucky to be alive and that mistakes should ask for nothing and appreciate every breath they are granted and every moment they are allowed to burden those that support  them.

This is not the Oliver Twist story or the pity pitch. I learned how to advocate for even my most basic needs against fierce opposition in hostile environments. It sharpened my teeth. I rarely won, my brothers and sisters rarely got what they needed without getting shouted at or worse. Every scrap thrown off the table was fought over and came with strings attached, an emotional beating and sometimes a physical date with a blunt object or a belt buckle if you were a really lucky winner.

While today I might be quite the fierce advocate, prize fighter and junk yard dog, it comes with a hefty price tag and a slough of psychological complexes.  One of which I wanted to bring up, the very nature of need. I know I do not have a healthy understanding of what I am to ask for out of life, or how to separate a need from a want, I had to cope and fight for them all in the same way.

Is it wrong to ask or speak about our needs as adults?

It seems so silly to pose the question. It is certainly dangerous and always has been for me since early childhood.  I am weary about speaking about needs and deep desires as I know the vulnerabilities and weaknesses expressed and how others use them to abuse each other. Yet I am a bold risk taker and feel as if I don’t give in and share those needs and desires with others, that I am missing out on a level connection that I never had as a child and can barely fathom as a young adult.

I guess it is part of my complex to make a request, interact, expect a war, debate, so I’d plan and react accordingly. People say that I fight over frivolous, simple and petty things. I am a verbal and psychological war vet and know the greater casualties of the seemingly simple and petty battles. Implications and effects of small illustrations of toxic behavior and imbalance  are subtle and far reaching. I was raised a fighter, denied the simplest of things. Denying the most basic of things, leaving the basic needs unfulfilled only makes the dreamers dream bigger, shine brighter and fight harder later in life. A hug, a kiss, admission, respect, humility, integrity, confrontation- the list of that which we were all denied at important times in our lives is long and riddled with seemingly small simple things.

The experiences built my backbone, gave me endurance, a temper, relentlessness, an unyielding energy and many things I have had to bring into balance. Why do I fight so hard and desire so much? I was denied too much of the simple things, basic needs that we all deserve to have fulfilled. Now I expect more out of life to somehow bring into cosmic balance all the wonderful things that were made horrible by them being denied to me.

As I walk the world as a young man, I have a fear of being denied my very needs and desires I suppose. This is most visibly present in my relationships. I simply ask more of them, or know that I desire to and struggle with the expectation. It is difficult for me to discern what is reasonable from what is unhealthy or dysfunctional. Demands are easy to make and never bring vulnerabilities into light. I learned how to demand more out of life and relationships without confronting my own vulnerabilities or even expressing them- an excellent arrangement.

Need is that which makes us humble, that which we require and desire yet cannot fulfill ourselves. Expressing the humble requests we all have, our needs, allows us to connect with each other at eye level. For all the wondrous things I can do, for all the fearless head strong commitments I may enter, there is a churning sea and inescapable void of those that I cannot do, fulfill or realize alone. The feeling of independent helplessness best captures my fear. I strive to be completely independent but doing so has only brought the truth to light- I am helplessly interdependent on the world and with those around me. My desire to pave the way and pioneer new avenues and adventures so that others may follow without living in the fear and dabbling in the darker side thicker wilderness; to conquer lands and lead; I cannot do so alone.

We all and I especially fight the notion of our own helplessness and the implications of interdependence. Nature  weeds out the helpless. Weak in mind, weak in body, weak in heart, weak in friends, nature may claim you when you are caught alone.

I wish to express my humility, my needs, my humanity, my virtues, vices and demonstrate my chivalry but I know that these brilliant feats may only be shared with a trusted few.  So I often write in code, hide things in symbolism, rhyme and metaphor, hoping someone is following along and digging deeper beneath the words.

Without love I am an empty and stagnant statue of a man. Without the dream and the hope of love and more of it, I have no motivating desire. Without people to love and those who love me, I have no tangible foundation, symbols, or signs to begin to perceive, conceptualize or  imagine and cannot push forward. For all the wit, charm, strength and valor, I am but a rusted tin man, helpless and hollow without someone there to grease the sockets. I cannot move, cannot dream, cannot grow or accomplish without it, but love is only the long road to fulfillment, a simple gateway, starting point and appetizer for the wonders that can be seen in life. We all need and desire in our own complexity, so much more than simply loving alone will achieve. Getting there involves reaching out and reaching in.

I am grateful for the smallest streams, raging rivers and fountains of love that flow near my door but one must only admire love as one does any potential energy. It is not fully realized until it is utilized.  So is it wrong I wonder, to wish to stick the wheel in the water and power the mill and factory of imagination? It has been my experience that genuine connections with others are so rare that they at face value, are meant to be held in the raw and cherished as uncut gems.

Is it wrong to wish to refine, build and grow with them?

I need to be refined, to refine and develop. I am a most petty and needy tinkerer of the heart.

I often feel ashamed  and gluttonous for my needs are many. They are sophisticated and particular and I could trip over the greatest uncut gem, the greatest love and wish to refine it and wish it to refine me. I never expect to hold such things for free and I suppose I think of them as a penniless dreamer, with little else than broken words and endless needs to offer for such a beautiful gem. I wonder the needs of such gems, perhaps I have something to offer some broken leaves and writing to litter at your feet- the mulch and flower petals of my imagination, perhaps you see some vibrant colors beyond this black and white and see magic where others do not. What do you need and desire I wonder? The thoughts keep me awake and alive.