A question that I’m asked often is what powers my drive. Where does this drive come from. I usually let out a light chuckle before I answer, knowing how absurd it will sound. The second question, often communicated by perplexed look, and mostly by other men, is why (the hell) I listen to all this fruity, soft, fem music most of the time. Believe it or not, the two are closely related. And while I can rock as hard in the rough and tumble, ‘Saturday night’s alright for a fight ‘fashion, weight lifting to Godsmack, Corroded, punk rock,  you name it; I limit that music to moments and activities where it truly serves me.  Now before you go out and buy every Billy Holiday, or Florence + The Machine album out there thinking to obtain some new empowerment, read on, to understand- it’s the fullness of the experience and mind that make the formula work, not the obvious tangibles.

Short version: Every man has his dream girl and muse, and even the bravest fighters were often driven by or recognized the power of feminine forces; Odysseus dreamed of Penelope and was cared for by the Goddess Athena, Lancelot had Guinevere (much to dismay of the King), sailors describe the sea as a great love and lover “she is the sea”, and I have my own dreams too- and lead my life in thanks and appreciation with songs for someone whom I’ve not met yet, knowing that these things + pursuits of authenticity and self actualization will lead me to her. I imagine that this cosmic dream, is out there sending praise and appreciation my way too, all yet to be realized. Life’s fun this way.

Perhaps I did not  get enough affection as a kid I don’t know. I find the world a hard place and it’s easy to be cruel, hard, mean, angry and violent. I find it all too easy to be those things; easy to be selfish in such a destructive way. Anyone who’s grown up with neglect, abuse, or hard times any sort will likely admit that it’s easy to be angry, bitter and cold. And there is an overwhelming cultural force of music and media to support these mentalities. These feelings have their place (I try to leave them at the gym or on the court).  For these reasons, when anger and all these negative emotions come easy to me, I seek to balance it out by cultivating an understanding and appreciation for more positive mindsets, and softer things.

If all you know is hardness, pursuing more hardness to an extreme won’t return you a full and rich of life. To escape it, or rather to connect and explore the unknown, you must contemplate a positive value to the opposite and go explore it and cultivate it. In many ways, especially in male culture, we still to this day, smash on softness to an extreme, and have forbidden the balanced man/warrior poets. Yet we so obviously suffer from an epidemic of over-compensation (read Douchebags) on the one hand and complete effeminate wimps (read pussies) on the other, as if it is a polar choice. Between, option A, and option B, I choose option Z and reject the notion.

Live, love, & fight with courage.

In times of war tis same take courage,

In times of love have courage,

Live with courage-never too lax never too taut

Know the tension of life,

Strive, pour it on write it down, let it settle,

Let it ride the veins and go- go onward.

I think part of courage requires a wisdom and healthy fear of limitations and healthy optimism for possibilities, embracing the emotional and psychological challenges as with all the confidence and might you would the more physical tests. After all, not all dragons can be slain by the sword, some require mastery of the heart.  And to that effect, some of the greatest warriors and heroic archetypes have been the greatest poets and lovers.

Love + Home to me, (for many reasons I’ll drone on and on about below) are kind of distant or ethereal to me for the most part. They’re partly states of mind reached in pursuits of authenticity and integrity. I reach them by being/feeling authentic and in line with my values. I find them in times where I recognize that in that moment, I am being the man I want to be. That’s when I know I’m on the right track, and that’s when the people, elements, and awareness comes to me.

I believe, that what we get out of life, is largely dependent upon what we seek, the effort we put in, and what we project outwardly. Taking the time to imagine vividly, to think actively about the life I want, the home I want, the love I want; these visualizations fuel my drive, and in many ways that I can barely fathom, attract these things to me. For these reasons, I psychologically hoard all the good stuff I can.

In the form of music, I seek positives; sometimes calm, sometimes not, sometimes struggling like water crashing over the rocks and spilling down mountains.

The true and perhaps greater challenge then is to walk with compassion in the face of adversity and draw near and protect those sweet voices anywhere I find them.

I could use my talents and predispositions to take everything I can, give in to the societal value system, but my dreams, desires and hope stop me. They can be great teachers but there are better pursuits that are  far more valuable and rewarding to me at least. Violent or cold mindsets only bring greater pain and suffering to my life.  For this reason and how I view the world, I need little external encouragement. So I cultivate that which I lack, that which I wish to attract, that which I cherish and dream about- compassion, affection,etc.

What I desire in home/love/life  is a partly a dream and fantasy, a warmer place of compassion, affection,  understanding; just a place in my head, where I love to go; and a state of mind is closest I might ever get to it. I didn’t grow up with a solid root system or warm home life, so it makes perfect sense  that I chase the notion now. And while these notions once crippled my life, creating codependent habits, etc.

Home to me as a grown man: a warm, loving woman, warm place, both full of compassion.

I picture the world a warmer place the people in my life warmer, more compassionate and so I rigorously pursue self development, actualization and acceptable level of authenticity.

The drive, the juice and marrow of my life, here’s my secret: I dream of a warmer world; a warmer love, that I’ve not known and may never know but if I’m to find it- it will be in pursuit of the man, the authentic person that I believe I am and can be.

Find me happy and compassionate,

strong and able and ever reaching.

Ever reaching- and so I push

And so I  train, Ever ready.

Never perfect but always forward,

open and ever-ready.

I bury myself in these words. I bury myself in these songs. I cram the lyrics and vision in my head and dreams. Stirring them often to keep them evenly dissolved, perfectly mixed  in the soup of my mind. Like prayers and little awarenesses, little seeds, that they may sprout and attract that and whom for which they were designed.

I get a laugh when asked about it- I don’t know if she exists, such a compassionate fulfiller that can draw me in and not be turned away. I know if she does-I’ll only find her in pursuit of living authentically, as the man I am proud to be, and so I run, so I push, so I go.

I’ll know it when,
Will I?
Will I see it then?
Will I feel it then?
I will.

I’ve searched my past, my present and future. I’ve driven myself mad many times over, contemplating something warmer than my dreams, warmer than my bed, warmer than my home, a new level, a love, an awareness, a bridge and connection to a greener place , a place to rest if only for a moment.

These voices that stay my hand in times of anger, though are not with me in life. That compassionate voice is not present. So I imagine them near by -I  hear them in music. The greater I pursue the person I want to be- the closer I get to those voices and places I desire. So I endure and walk forward by no means  good, but authentic, human.

Call it idolatry and grand delusion- I call it purpose, hope and dream; ethereal and up to me, for my part to see through to fruition.

And so I’ll sing her songs and fill my heart and thoughts as I smile and run down-trail. I am-and it is intertwined. It is my nature. So deaf you’ll find me if you try to dissuade and dead you’ll find me If you ever succeed in doing so. No material comfort could replace this, my drive and heartbeat- so it is. Perhaps more should be this way. Perhaps more are- more than I realize.

Achievement is an enjoyable side effect, the drive is pursuit  Achievements are nice snapshots along the way, largely immaterial and unrewarding save for the solid rung on which to leap upward from.

My friends  laugh -you are a strange and funny man, “You do not sing the hymns of battle. “

To which I respond “Yet I have more victories.”

I’m sure the music and mantras will find me when I’m in a mood to break, destroy, rape and pillage; I need not keep them top of mind. Til then I’ll listen.

Thats it.  The rest is frosting and sprinkles and another candle each year- cake anyone?

A Few Songs That Caught My Attention While Working on This

To get the full effect- check these out:

Definitely give Hem a go.

Half Acre – Hem Listen Here

Idle (the rabbit song) - Hem Listen Here

Asleep at the wheel – Working for a Nuclear Free City Listen Here

The Girl – City and Colour Listen Here

Dream Girl – Dave Matthews Band Listen Here

Heavy in your arms Florence and the Machine Listen Here

Sometimes ( I Wish) – City and Colour Listen Here

Stand by me - Tracy chapman Listen Here

Candlelight - Imogen Heap Listen Here

Lost – Coldplay (Surprisingly Good Lyrics ) Listen Here

Float on - Modest mouse Listen Here