I often get asked about how I stay motivated to stay fit. My not-so-secret method is that I put forth a real effort into connecting to my health and fitness, in as many ways as I possibly can, to my happiness and everything I wish to achieve. I constantly find subtle ways to remind myself of the interdependencies between my health,fitness, and my happiness & productivity. One of the most under-utilized, under-appreciated and most important tool I use: a fitness journal. Here are some tips to add value to your journal and help you become aware of how your health and fitness play a significant role in your overall well being.

1. Don’t call it a workout journal!- If reduced to being thought of as merely notes of reps and sets, a journal is as pleasing to think of or look at as a math book. Give it substance and value by thinking all-around fitness and health. Put some words and thoughts behind all those numbers. There aren’t any rules or boundaries! This is about you, what you are doing and what you can do! It should be as much a trophy and motivational resource as it is a measuring stick.

2. Record what you do during your workouts.

This is the traditional how much you lift and how many times. This is where most people leave off and eventually, often enough stop writing in their journal. Why? Math is boring? No. There is more to creating value and convincing ourselves than writing down numbers alone.

3. Write down more than the math.

It’s important to track your weight and reps but there is more to your overall fitness and health than just the numbers. Write down how you feel, or what hurts and when it hurts.

4. Record what you do in addition to your workouts.

There are plenty of things that go on during your workout beyond reps and sets. Keep track of water intake/pre-workout routines. Make note of when you are board or taking too long to recover.

5. Create your own 5 star rating system for workouts and food

Example Workout Ratings: 5-extreme,4-great,3-good, 2-pick it up, 1-WTF

Write down workouts you consider to be a good, great and extreme workout. Try to stick to the 3-5 star rating for every day. Sometimes I have one too many WTF down days and make it up with an extreme workout. Perhaps the best part about creating your own workout rating system is that you’ll have a hard time rationalizing yourself out of what you need to do because you set your own rating based on your own workout standards, so it is based on things you know can do! If you are doing an extreme workout everyday and you aren’t dropping weight or getting stacked, maybe it’s time to redefine extreme and bump it up a couple of notches. The converse is also true. If you are stuck in a low 1-3 workout rating zone, maybe your standards are too high. Make adjustments as necessary.

Example Food Ratings 5-Bland,Raw and Gross but good for me, 4-Vegetables, fruits, lean meats, easy on carbs, 3- meat and potatoes 2-Better than fast food 1- I ate at In and Out and it was oh so good!

Write down healthy meals you eat and rate them according based on their healthiness. When you eat a 1 star meal on Monday- IE donuts and burgers and fries- compensate with 2 days of 4-5 star meals. This one requires little explanation and you likely know where your meals fit on this scale.

6. Use graphs.

Weekly graphs can show when you need to make up workouts/ increase intensity. These make it extremely apparent when you’ve had one too many WTF off days. Make it up with an extreme workout.

Monthly graphs are wonderfully motivational, visual badges of honor. They show your progress/decline so that you can compare weeks, identify trends and adjust workouts.

You can arrange your data by monitoring your weight, or as my personal preference monitor your 5 star workout rating system.

7. Create more lists:

-Things that motivate you. This way you’ll know what to grab, where to go, and what to listen to on your down days. You might think you’ll remember this stuff but when you need it most, you may not be in a mood to remember all the motivational elements.

-Things that interrupt your workout and action plans to work-around or compensate for those scenarios.

Make Checklists for your exercises. I derive a lot of satisfaction from checking an exercise from the list. Curls. Check! Here is a typical minimal entry for me. I plan my workouts and record what I’ve done or need to do. Sometimes I use a checklist to get myself through an otherwise seemingly dull workout.

8. Explain how to do exercises in your own words.

Taking time to write down how to correctly do an exercise will help you develop better awareness of what you are doing versus what your muscles should be doing. Pay attention to posture, write it down

9. Draw pictures.

Show yourself how to do it. You don’t need to be an artist to make stick figures. Keep in mind that it only needs to make sense to you. Add notes and arrows to show motions. Be sure to distinguish hands from feet and head. That one gets me everytime-no more no handed cartwheels for me

10. Write down class routines and take them home.

I’ll be the first to admit I pirate my workouts and bring the routines home. Shown above is a beginning Pilates routine that I wanted to practice at home.

11. Monitor foods that make you feel charged for your workouts.

It’s important to be aware of the connection between the food you eat and the energy that’s transferred.

12. Track your medical visits, injuries and recovery. Your doctor will thank you.

In short, the more effort you put into your fitness journal, the more value you’ll find in what you’ve been doing. The journal becomes a better trophy and your own personal reference guide to your health. You will find it harder to justify bailing on your diet or workout routine that you yourself create.

I’ve been on the mend from a recently pulled hamstring and I am sure to note how it feels after every stretch/run workout. This allows me to keep track of what helped my recovery and what hurt it.

Final Thoughts: You’re probably wondering what is a grown man doing with a Batman Journal? The answer is simply Inside every man is a playful boy yearning to explore. I enjoy embracing my inner child it keeps me energized.

Users are impressed by Apple’s  shiny design and interface of its devices. They become familiar with interface accepts storefront condition as norm and before the user knows they have surrendered their freedom and control for a censored, limited, media device.

Let us take a look at what brought Apple to this new strategy. To understand where we are going we must first look back at what brought us here.

History Lesson: How Apple got rich

Macbook- Air, Pro, uni-body, all wonderful devices with a hefty price tag. These accompanied with an extremely intuitive operating system were designed to provide the best user experience. These were designed so that the user could enjoy doing whatever they want simply because of the beauty and simplicity of the interface. Apple just wanted their users to enjoy computing by giving them a great platform, combination of hardware and software to do it.

The evolution of human design- Apple is really good at knowing what you want in an interface but more interested in what you do.  Their first target- music.

iPod &  iTunes-They created a great product with great  hardware and a beautiful design, but this time, they wanted more from their following. They wanted to profit from other people’s work, musicians, artists and you many times over. They created a market place, locked the hardware and used the software to force everyone into using it. No one woke up and said” I want to give up all the various website marketplaces to purchase all my tunes through Apple”. It only requires a rudimentary understanding of economics to know that decreasing supply/options will increase prices and decrease consumer control.

However, we all loved the hardware. It was simple, elegant and worked really well. It Featured a closed device, proprietary formats, restricted hardware use, restricted software use, repeated purchases of previously purchased content in order to be used in other places or on other devices.

iTunes made it difficult to manage music outside of iTunes. They made it more difficult to move legitimately owned music and claimed it was to prevent piracy. The reality is that Apple wanted everyone who listens to music to use their hardware with their store. Due to public pressure and lawsuit filings Apple eventually caved and removed DRM from their music. This of course was after several years of record sales and profits for Apple.

How Apple got rich-er: The iPhone & App Store

Same old story but a new target; smart-phones.  Much to the dismay of the fan-boys the iPhone isn’t in a category of its own. It is in fact, a smart-phone. There have been many before it. There are many competing with it. There are a few that arguably even do a better job than it. Apple presented the iPhone and App Store to go with it. They once again used closed devices, proprietary formats, and hid them behind the platform of great design, hardware and software. They locked their users into to making  app store purchases the norm and an everyday habit- whether free or paid. They took an extra step with the iPhone App store agenda by trying to eliminate competition from web applications by making sure their device did not support Flash. Flash, at the time, was the primary format used to build web apps.

These extra steps are clearly anti-competitive and unlike their computers, the design of the devices is now infringing on the lives of users rather than focusing on empowering them.

How Apple plans to get even richer-iPad &  iBooks

iPad- a 10 inch tablet computer with the iPhone Operating system. The new marketplace target? Books and Print media. The iPad presents media in an Apple proprietary format, a closed device, larger screen to expand on building behaviors with users to subscribe to their model.

The iPod and iPhone came out without real competition. Microsoft was treated like a drug-dealer to many users; we all hated their stuff but were addicted to it. They entered the market with the Zune, and later Zune HD, great design/hardware but no street cred of giving the users what they want. Apple’s street cred seems to have suffered too as it gets called out for pursuing a corporate agenda that betrays its users. And after umpteen generations of the iPod and iPhone, each less revolutionary than the first, I believe consumers might look beyond the hardware, shiny design and question how these devices will empower their lives rather than limit them. The iPad might be a tough sell in this economy.

Steve Jobs & Apple recently unveiled the iPad, essentially, a big iPod touch. But the big revelation was not the device or the innovative hardware used to make it so efficient. They real shocker was that Apple came out and said that they believe the future of computing is in “closed devices”.

What is a closed device? One that you wouldn’t want. Imagine having an exotic car that comes with a driver. It is very high performance and looks amazing, however, the driver will only drive to destinations approved by the car company at speeds approved by the car company. This is Apple’s approach. You don’t even get to drive the car or choose where you’re going.

They restrict what you can do and how you can use the device. All actions must be approved by the state Apple.
As the owner of these devices, you have no control and are limited to applications approved by the state Apple.

Why is this important/rant worthy?

Unlike the iPhone this new device,  is meant to compete closely to full-fledged computers, attempting to be more than a Kindle but less than a Netbook. The Netbooks and other tablet computers out there, have full fledged operating systems where the user has control /freedom over many decisions, the look, the pictures, how things are arranged, the applications installed, etc. All of the subtle tiny detailed decisions that make up our digital lifestyle. This iPad device is Apple’s first step to transition their subscription model of closed computing. In the new model, Apple will choose which apps are made available and how you may interact in the space. Microsoft is often fingered for evil restrictive practices but their past shenanigans are eclipsed by what Apple is trying to do.

What You Can Do Now!

1. Say to your Apple comrades “No thanks. I’m an adult and I prefer freedom to take charge of my life, digital lifestyle or other.” Don’t buy the iPad at the very least.

2. Support open platforms and devices that keep you in control. Share your support! Get on Facebook become a fan of the EFF, WordPress non-profit, digital liquidity, Savetheinternet.org and other freedom loving, open source supporting, user centric causes.

3. Buy Android  devices instead. No offense to BlackBerry or other competitors but Android/Chrome/Google OS are the only true competition for Apple. It has the same capability to transition from mobile device to computer without limiting its users’ freedoms.

4. Protect your freedom. Hack your Apple devices.

The only option to take control is to hack/jailbreak the device. And Apple makes the jail-breakers out to be criminals. Fighting to preserve personal freedom shouldn’t be illegal. These devices and Apple’s new approach to the consumers illustrate the clear and immediate need for us to take a look at the infrastructure of computing and the web and our freedom.

5. Read -How the iPhone Interface Creates Perilous Trends For Consumers and Developers.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and for many of us it may mark the end of a relationship. It is the #1 dump day. So I thought I’d put together a short list of resources that I have personally turned to for self-help within a relationship. I find a deeper understanding from re-reading things and feel that it is always good to surround ourselves with positive influences.

A constant commitment to self-improvement will always be worth the effort no matter the outcome of a relationship, if you wake up every day, stronger, healthier and happier, the trials and tribulations of the day before were worth it. Here are a few tips to help you immerse yourself in an environment that facilitates positive change.

1. Subscribe to newsletters and magazines that are a positive force for your life. I <3 Mental Floss & Psychology Today. I pick up random hippy-dippy zen magazines that calm me down and keep  me positive.

2. Buy and read the books. If you are like me, sometimes, I only get to the buy the book step. You can’t absorb knowledge by proximity. Pick up the book. Read it and practice.

3. Listen to the Audiotapes. Audiotapes serve as helpful reinforcements but I believe I make better connections through reading. I am easily bored with music at the gym and love to flex my brain while I’m pumping iron or on long runs.

4. Watch the shows. I am a fan of anything that motivates and maintains a positive attitude and keeps you in a mindset of constant improvement.

5. The most important thing- DO THE WORK!  Interrupt your habits and patterns and apply what you’ve learned. Talk to your friends, family, and your spouse about what you are reading, trying, doing and thinking about. It is ironic that it takes more communication to get to better communication and so few of us actually do it. Do the work. Communicate!

“Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”

by Jeffery Bernstein Ph.D. and Susan MaGee

This book is a great starting point for any relationship. It  covers 9 toxic thought patterns that get in the way of loving relationship. The book provides ground rules, exercises that you may find silly but they pave the way for healthy communication and healed hearts between couples. This is a book you should read with your significant other. I have read it multiple times and will enjoy reading it again to refresh my memory.

“The Wisdom of Forgiveness”

by the Dalai Lama and David Chan

This book is a personal favorite. I have enjoyed all the Dalai Lama books and am always on the prowl for more practical applications of Buddhist teachings for westerners. If you pay attention to the methods told through the stories in this book, you can unlock an ability to approach even the harshest conflicts with a loving kindness. I get in trouble for laughing in fights now, not because I’m teasing anyone but simply because I am searching for tiny pleasant things to expand and enjoy in the moment.

The Psychology Today, Oprah and Dr. Phil Websites are full of useful articles regarding relationships. Here are some articles that have really helped me have a better understanding and the right attitude.

Oprah-How-to-Diffuse-a-Fight-Communication-Advice-for-Couples

Psychology Today-Darling-how-should-we-resolve-our-conflicts?

Psychology Today-Disarming-your-buttons-how-not-get-provoked-part-3-4

Dr. Phil-How To Fight Fair

Dr. Phil-Are You Ready for a Successful Relationship

This is not the Oliver Twist story or the pity pitch. I learned how to advocate for even my most basic needs against fierce opposition in hostile environments. It sharpened my teeth. I rarely won, my brothers and sisters rarely got what they needed without getting shouted at or worse. Every scrap thrown off the table was fought over and came with strings attached, an emotional beating and sometimes a physical date with a blunt object or a belt buckle if you were a really lucky winner.

While today I might be quite the fierce advocate, prize fighter and junk yard dog, it comes with a hefty price tag and a slough of psychological complexes.  One of which I wanted to bring up, the very nature of need. I know I do not have a healthy understanding of what I am to ask for out of life, or how to separate a need from a want, I had to cope and fight for them all in the same way.

Is it wrong to ask or speak about our needs as adults?

It seems so silly to pose the question. It is certainly dangerous and always has been for me since early childhood.  I am weary about speaking about needs and deep desires as I know the vulnerabilities and weaknesses expressed and how others use them to abuse each other. Yet I am a bold risk taker and feel as if I don’t give in and share those needs and desires with others, that I am missing out on a level connection that I never had as a child and can barely fathom as a young adult.

I guess it is part of my complex to make a request, interact, expect a war, debate, so I’d plan and react accordingly. People say that I fight over frivolous, simple and petty things. I am a verbal and psychological war vet and know the greater casualties of the seemingly simple and petty battles. Implications and effects of small illustrations of toxic behavior and imbalance  are subtle and far reaching. I was raised a fighter, denied the simplest of things. Denying the most basic of things, leaving the basic needs unfulfilled only makes the dreamers dream bigger, shine brighter and fight harder later in life. A hug, a kiss, admission, respect, humility, integrity, confrontation- the list of that which we were all denied at important times in our lives is long and riddled with seemingly small simple things.

The experiences built my backbone, gave me endurance, a temper, relentlessness, an unyielding energy and many things I have had to bring into balance. Why do I fight so hard and desire so much? I was denied too much of the simple things, basic needs that we all deserve to have fulfilled. Now I expect more out of life to somehow bring into cosmic balance all the wonderful things that were made horrible by them being denied to me.

As I walk the world as a young man, I have a fear of being denied my very needs and desires I suppose. This is most visibly present in my relationships. I simply ask more of them, or know that I desire to and struggle with the expectation. It is difficult for me to discern what is reasonable from what is unhealthy or dysfunctional. Demands are easy to make and never bring vulnerabilities into light. I learned how to demand more out of life and relationships without confronting my own vulnerabilities or even expressing them- an excellent arrangement.

Need is that which makes us humble, that which we require and desire yet cannot fulfill ourselves. Expressing the humble requests we all have, our needs, allows us to connect with each other at eye level. For all the wondrous things I can do, for all the fearless head strong commitments I may enter, there is a churning sea and inescapable void of those that I cannot do, fulfill or realize alone. The feeling of independent helplessness best captures my fear. I strive to be completely independent but doing so has only brought the truth to light- I am helplessly interdependent on the world and with those around me. My desire to pave the way and pioneer new avenues and adventures so that others may follow without living in the fear and dabbling in the darker side thicker wilderness; to conquer lands and lead; I cannot do so alone.

We all and I especially fight the notion of our own helplessness and the implications of interdependence. Nature  weeds out the helpless. Weak in mind, weak in body, weak in heart, weak in friends, nature may claim you when you are caught alone.

I wish to express my humility, my needs, my humanity, my virtues, vices and demonstrate my chivalry but I know that these brilliant feats may only be shared with a trusted few.  So I often write in code, hide things in symbolism, rhyme and metaphor, hoping someone is following along and digging deeper beneath the words.

Without love I am an empty and stagnant statue of a man. Without the dream and the hope of love and more of it, I have no motivating desire. Without people to love and those who love me, I have no tangible foundation, symbols, or signs to begin to perceive, conceptualize or  imagine and cannot push forward. For all the wit, charm, strength and valor, I am but a rusted tin man, helpless and hollow without someone there to grease the sockets. I cannot move, cannot dream, cannot grow or accomplish without it, but love is only the long road to fulfillment, a simple gateway, starting point and appetizer for the wonders that can be seen in life. We all need and desire in our own complexity, so much more than simply loving alone will achieve. Getting there involves reaching out and reaching in.

I am grateful for the smallest streams, raging rivers and fountains of love that flow near my door but one must only admire love as one does any potential energy. It is not fully realized until it is utilized.  So is it wrong I wonder, to wish to stick the wheel in the water and power the mill and factory of imagination? It has been my experience that genuine connections with others are so rare that they at face value, are meant to be held in the raw and cherished as uncut gems.

Is it wrong to wish to refine, build and grow with them?

I need to be refined, to refine and develop. I am a most petty and needy tinkerer of the heart.

I often feel ashamed  and gluttonous for my needs are many. They are sophisticated and particular and I could trip over the greatest uncut gem, the greatest love and wish to refine it and wish it to refine me. I never expect to hold such things for free and I suppose I think of them as a penniless dreamer, with little else than broken words and endless needs to offer for such a beautiful gem. I wonder the needs of such gems, perhaps I have something to offer some broken leaves and writing to litter at your feet- the mulch and flower petals of my imagination, perhaps you see some vibrant colors beyond this black and white and see magic where others do not. What do you need and desire I wonder? The thoughts keep me awake and alive.

They muddled my book stacks and disrupted every neuron, synapse and desire for reading. What is it about shade on a summer day that over-rides the right to privacy and personal space? Perhaps it is the nature of public places that transmits a sense of entitlement to the masses, inviting them to destroy the little joy to be found under the canvas umbrella. I knew they weren’t drawn in by my demeanor as I did everything I could short of verbally cursing their very existence  or throwing my feces at them to drive them off. A smarter man would have done so.

I hadn’t shaved and my hair was a messy love affair. The sunlight reflected off the ground causing me to wince and scowl. The wonderful, uninviting presentation of which was only topped by Trooper growling, snapping and  chasing off other dogs. He had the kind of growl and size to him that made parents pick up their children and complain about as they left the park. I had all of these wonderful things going for me, and the performance from Trooper and myself were delightfully cruel, simple and subtle.

The cows did not flinch. The intruders did not move. They continued to stand there unchallenged in doughy eyed stupidity.  I went out of my way to find this spot and walk in the uncomfortable inferno across the park, basking in the smell of simmering shit to the furthest point from  both gates to weed out  and inconvenience such fat grazers from trespassing upon my shade. The soccer moms and their mindless babble and screaming hell spawn came anyway. I suppose they thought I had chosen the spot because of some virtue that the 10 other shady places lacked. They  of course did not know that the virtue my spot had was of course their absence. They came. They saw. They pillaged and raped the spot of all her virtues.

With one simple command, Trooper lunged for their puppy and chased it off and would not let it come by. He barked at the whining baby and eventually drove the heard off, but not before pulling me away completely from my reading and pushing me into a foul mood for writing.

I generally enjoy working outside and in public, in the parks and well windowed cafes. They provide enough space for the imagination to grow and wander. I even enjoy the people, from a distance. I prefer to enjoy them what I can only imagine to be as a God’s arm’s length away. I am farsighted with sensitive ear and mistake close quarter crowds for boxing matches. I despise being crammed next to people in first hand ear shot of their mindless conversations about celebrity gossip and the same old boring psychological disorders. I am never made uncomfortable or curious by someone discussing their struggles with dendrophilia. Instead I am bothered by the normal, superficial, noncommittal tree lovers and huggers and lesser insects. I am always on the prowl to eavesdrop on some wonderfully serious discussion about world domination and how to go about it, or far more sophisticated personal dramas.

In the cafes, these things are drowned out by the gentle white noise of the foaming doo-dads, spoons spinning and cup -clanking and blending and brewing whatchamacallits.  In the open however, noise carries well and I prefer to be at such a distance as to have the option of opting out of distinguishing sounds into speech. At the same time, I enjoy that perfect distance where, if I wanted to, I could focus and discern what words were carried with the wind from across the pond. Perhaps today, I am just a grumpy guy at the dog park.

I feel at home in the fairytales of these great beanstalks. I wonder where they’d take me if I were to climb further. I’ve missed these magical and sweet things.

The city sells me pretty things, sexy things, shallow things, loud things, always new and always so used things but rarely does it send me sweet things, warm smiles, open people. everything is coveted and locked up in the city and most of the treasures aren’t worth the locka that keep them. Indeed it is better to live open, full, with warm smiles and a sweet charm than locked, worn, hidden, hurt and outwardly cold or empty. It’s hard to picture God in the city, hard to hear him.

In all the glorious opportinity to engorge ourselves on city sins, I think men are driven out to pray forgiveness and find joy again. I knew joy before I moved to the city, brought her with me and she knew better than to stay.

Now I’m at the feet of God “Come on in. We have much to share.” We welcome eachother, I the prodigal son and he, the warmth and grace ever proud and forgiving voice in my head. Even if it is just myself to self, there is something to the grace and majesty of forgiveness.

I’m back out here with Dog and net, lost in my mind. He and I will catch butterflies and chase joy. He’ll point her out, resting briefly on some branch and I’ll be careful not to stir dust from her dress nor snatch magic from her wings, just buy enough time for an intriging introduction.

Brushing off the dust of so many forgotten things, rediscovered running around covered in dirt. Strange and wonderful.

I’m skipping town tomorrow; a boy and his dog chasing adventure, making up the story as we go along. He’ll bark at me about politics and do a horrible job of pointlessly pointing outside my field of view.  While he navigates, I’ll fantasize about the court testimony I’d give if I let him drive. The inevitable questions and shock when I seriously account for my faith in the dog’s ability to do a better job driving than your average 19 year old with a cell phone. These wonderfully elaborate scenarios will fill my head  if my thrill factor runs low.

A long drive at dawn awaits. Trooper is a morning mammal, vocal and chatty with the sunrise like my father. I want neither conversation nor sound in the morning, beyond the pouring of my favorite beverage, the emptying of my bladder or the sound of water carelessly passed from faucet to drain and its soothing echoes of waterfalls and white noise. I live for the silent conversations between sun and myself. I prefer the body language and posturing of trees with a few favored commentators chirping in the distance.

Not enough space in the car for emotional baggage. Besisdes it cramps our style and looks much better carelessly strewn across the freeway. Let those troubles add a little excitement and obstacles  to some other lucky winner. I’m a big fan of recycling and cheap thrills anyhow. I tried to give them away but no one wanted second hand emotional baggage, especially the weather worn and scratched leather satchels that I’ve been lugging around. The faded colors and tattered shirts of boyish ideals and gifts from  might as well be nobodies, the ridiculous photo collections that only caused trouble when flown or posted boldly like pirate flags hoisted high with sails coming in to port.  They can now all be found in some rats nest and trash heap.  The collection of phone numbers of flakers and others as wayward  hard to pin as myself, now are firmly planted in random yellow pages at rest stops for some lucky mother truckers. I have only a few Sharpees big enough for the landscapes and volumes of personal information I wish to paint and share with the world. Trooper prefers the fumes of dry erase markers but is the laziest vandal but most excellent scout and watch dog.

Two bachelors on the open road. Howling at the beautiful faces and licking the windows at the bushy tails along the way. Two young boys with a mind for mischief and adventure without inhibitions of any sort and limited only by the creativity of our imaginations. We might even be caught and cited for the occasional euphimistic  gesture, expectedly so when delivered to the wonderful women of the highway patrol. Perhaps we’ll reserve our romantic invitations

I left one seat open, as if to preserve the option for  a bikini clad hitch hiker, freshly released from a mental institution on her own cognizance after being unsuccessfully treated for  some wonderful premium-blend of chronic nymphomania, recurring memory loss, and relentless soft spot for young men with dogs and over-active imaginations. You know, the kind of emotional and physical addictions we all look for in a mate. Together we’d all wonder about more politically correct terms for debauchery and various ways to spin the story as if to justify what is  best left for too much alcohol in the darkest of places. We’ll contemplate destiny, love and settle for science, biology, evolution and psychological addictions. We’ll all find some philosophy to fit our sexcapades and misadventures only tell of the virtues and promise to pursue multiple avenues of black market pharmaceutical treatments we’ve heard so much about. Trooper will make inappropriate references to preferences of smooth, not chunky, peanut butter that will fill the car with silence until we start a road game.

After those fail we will retreat to mother nature and wander to a Native American Indian reservation (that’s our word damn it!) in search of hollistic  medicine, desert plants and fireworks. The resulting structure fires will surely earn us a little heat and in a week’s time we will need to come back and lay low at home,  hung over and recovering.

Will write more on the open road- please donate funds for potential bail money via PayPal to mcgillnicholas@gmail.com

-Nicholas

P.S.

Trooper wants me to mention to forward all inappropriate images and correspondence for his personal viewing pleasure to trooper@mcgilltech.com He can’t read but he loves to look.

My stories and songs are rarely my own. I am not at the epicenter of all my adventures, thank god. Sometimes it is I who am Poncho, just a single line, the boy and his dog that play witness to some other crazy bastard tilting head at windmills, conquering cliffs and imaging laying siege to castles. I enjoy paving way and serving as a lone audience to the building legends and comedies of other romances. Out here I get to notice more of my heroes, my friends and their plots.

It is rather nice to jump and relax in the wake at others from time to time. Letting someone else drive and enjoy the ride allows for the notion of mystery as you never know where they will drive or if they will break through the dash lines and venture beyond the duck markers. The surrender of control lets you play in imagination. It’s been too long. There are few friends I trust to ride the rails. It is nice to be the comic relief and the guy writing the sarcastic captions on someone’s adventure.

They have their own language and I watch them move to their own tune and parts of  it echo dances of my own years ago. It is both comforting and a slight shade of blue to see it, keeping me comfortably uncomfortable and giving an ideas to pursue- from the cinematic view of the third person, where you are afforded the luxury of your own objectivity, or twisted sense of it at least.

All the clarity and  almost all the wonder a boy could want, all the water and chipmunks a dog could hope to chase. There are the dreams of faces, food and phone calls that bring us back home but those alone cannot bring me back down the mountain.

It is different to venture here with a dog, the very virtue of fidelity. He reaffirms my commitments and comforts me in the most desolate places. He worries in my place and makes me smile where I’d prefer a serious tones. I am his confidence and he is mine. We leap together and take turns leading. He trusts me implicitly and I him- a marvelous bond for any man and his friends.

This place is just a splinter of beauty this world has to offer a California dreamer. I know of 9 wonders of the world, the eighth is that great lake, There is one other that swallows it completely, a crystal eyed wonder wonder, that can dim and steal the blue and leave the lake gray. I’ve  seen the look cut through the night to me, all the stars I’d need.  And looking upon that wonder, makes even the most arrogant question his place in the world. Bearing witness could dethrone Kings, humble presidents, give more warmth and comfort than any chapel, and challenge every bit of your perception in a single glance.

-Off to find her

I’ve been pining, digging and searching for signs of significance as I have known  in the past, some sign that I am still loved. There is a divine, a magic to the world, a natural way where random events are woven together into something beyond coincidence. I wish I could forget it now and trip over it again as a middle aged family man.

I’ve played the alchemist, impatiently trying to reproduce magic, artificially and fool myself into giving up the genuine dream for the ones that would simply do. No man made effort potion could replace what is pure, naturally evolving and fulfilling. I know that there is meaning, a story and rhyme scheme, a natural way back into grace. I am worn out with lies and tricks. I will search for  greater purposes to serve until the answers come back into my life. I’ll venture off the deep end and will wait for something to catch me and if it is the ground and it’s the dirt I kiss first, at least I’ll go out on the right path.

There are few trails out here, just a hand drawn map riddled with metaphors. I’ve seen wonders, I’ve kissed a few, tasted them, I chase again and adventure finds me. I’ll break myself over and over again hoping to get back to those wonders.

I didn’t grow up with home cooked meals and comforts. I grew up in hard places, the middle, neglected in the foggy gray threshold between mountains, clouds and city lights. In the high ground where the clouds and mountains kiss gently with moist lips, I find more comfort and passion here than on city streets. I didn’t grow up trusting the warmth of homes, chapels, beds or bodies as the ones I opened my doors to left, betrayed or were taken from me. I’ve walked away from them too, hesitating to trade them for the unforgiving indifference of nature. I can trust that it will never live with intention or complication beyond life itself. The complicated natural symphony lives in simplicity.

I am a man of many words but my native language can never make it to page.  You must simply see and experience it to understand. Know it as you come to know the man, first hand. I grasp at words and throw them in the air like a handful of dirt gently let go in the wind. At best I can only apply loose translations that cannot capture the way eyes do, all that I am and all that I feel. I give it in a look. Here, I need not write or stay up all night, dreaming how to set it up right to convey or lure you to me or this place.

You know it with some- those who can look to see you and meet your eyes. Those looks and faces you don’t need question, you can read volumes in the stares, glances and subtleties. Believe it or not, my songs are but the desperate substitutes of expressions given intently in split seconds. I compensate at length out of longing for those looks and that language. That look where you can read everything you need to know and see dreams and intentions in speckles, cones and pits in Iris of the eye.