8 Survival Tips to Help You Avoid Common Outdoor Douchebaggery

While preparing for my upcoming Denali trip, I reviewed some survival tips and jotted down a few of my own. Here are 8 sarcastic but true, adventure tips your parents wish you would read before venturing out.

Listen to your mother or nearest and dearest voice of reason. Be responsible for yourself and your group. Lead by example and  be the brave one to be calm and take control  before, if and when things get out of hand.

Don’t leave home without a knife, fire starter, para-cord (real 550 military spec), Plenty of H20, and duck tape. You can conquer the world with these 5 things. You know why Bear Grylls (Man Vs. Wild) doesn’t have duck tape?  The same reason Chuck Norris is required to wear lead boots when he’s not filming. He’d be unstoppable. Always remember duck tape. The 6th thing to bring is a digital camera, because no one will believe tales of your adventures without photographic/video evidence.

Avoid traveling to the middle of nowhere without experience, training or proper supplies. If you do, take a guide, or trusted, experienced friend. If you can’t find a guide, consider hanging out at REI and making some friends. Once you establish trust,  bring them along.

Do everything you can to prepare. Study the area, maps, wild life, survival techniques, etc. Take some courses, day hikes and trips to elevations that are similar to your trip. Preparation helps you pack light and might save your life.

Leave it as you found it. If you brought it in, have the decency to take it out. If you spot a litterbug or wasteful SOB ask him nicely to pick up after himself. Do this patiently in a tone that is open to discussion and understanding.  If that doesn’t work. If you are bigger, stronger or better armed than a litter bug you spot,  forcibly make them pick up their trash and hike it out. If you’re not bigger, stronger or better armed than a litter bug, find a decent sized throwing/brain smashing rock, lift and discuss the subject with the other party. People tend to respond better when their well being (life, limb and wallet) is on the line. It’s sad but true.

Be aware of your surroundings and don’t take stupid risks that might result in serious injury. Injuries are difficult to address away from civilization and make it much more difficult to get out of the wild. The most common mistakes are underestimating and being unaware of your environment. Make sure you and your party are aware of the likely possibilities, e.g.  the rattlesnake at the top of the rock you are climbing, or the cracking sounds before an avalanche. Be careful. People march right pass that statement without really wrapping their head around it. This means to approach your environment with an active mind, focused and aware of what is going on. Most people are not in touch with their primal instincts.

If you genuinely feel something is unsafe, don’t do it. Whatever challenge you are facing, your life is worth a discussion (debate if need be) over logistics. Always consider the source of any advice you are given and don’t be afraid to take the long way around. If anyone gives you guff, you can always put some pebbles in a sock and beat them in their sleep. You can’t do this if you are dead or injured. I’ve lost friends to rock jumps, climbs and other stunts who did not take precautions before trying something. Nothing ends a trip quite like a life flight helicopter trip (that costs a pretty penny $$$).

Have a code of conduct with your group and make sure you know what the group personalities. Avoid traveling with impulsive, irresponsible, thrill seekers (AKA extreme sports people, no offense). These people can show you how to have a lot of fun but they also tend to be the ones who take unnecessary risks without mentioning that they expect you to carry them out when they break an arm or leg. Many of my friends are like this (who are probably offended by the statement), but the truth is, you are their survival plan. The clinical term for this phenomenon is called Common Outdoor Douchebaggery. They will have as much fun at your expense if they know you’ll bail them out. The reason they are your problem is because their injury threatens your well being too. Aside from ruining your trip, blood in the water/air attracts predators. Slowing down your pace also forces you to ration supplies.

This why it is always a good idea to injure your enemies. If they are compassionate and care for their wounded, you can slow them down, demoralize and defeat them. This is part of the psychological warfare made infamous in Viet Nam, and when your friends are doing stupid things to injure themselves, they are using it against you.