I used to keep blank paper tacked to my wall to note and call attention to great quotes, here are some of my favorites on the subject of writing.

You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you.  ~Ray Bradbury

And by the way, everything in life is writable about if you have the outgoing guts to do it, and the imagination to improvise.  The worst enemy to creativity is self-doubt.  ~Sylvia Plath

The act of putting pen to paper encourages pause for thought, this in turn makes us think more deeply about life, which helps us regain our equilibrium.  ~Norbet Platt

The time to begin writing an article is when you have finished it to your satisfaction.  By that time you begin to clearly and logically perceive what it is you really want to say.  ~Mark Twain

No one means all he says, and yet very few say all they mean, for words are slippery and thought is viscous.  ~Henry Brooks Adams, The Education of Henry Adams, 1907

Writing is easy:  All you do is sit staring at a blank sheet of paper until drops of blood form on your forehead.  ~Gene Fowler

Write down the thoughts of the moment.  Those that come unsought for are commonly the most valuable.  ~Francis Bacon

If I don’t write to empty my mind, I go mad.  ~Lord Byron

What no wife of a writer can ever understand is that a writer is working when he’s staring out of the window.  ~Burton Rascoe

The maker of a sentence launches out into the infinite and builds a road into Chaos and old Night, and is followed by those who hear him with something of wild, creative delight.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

How vain it is to sit down to write when you have not stood up to live.  ~Henry David Thoreau, Journal, 19 August 1851

Writing is both mask and unveiling.  ~E.B. White

Keep a diary and one day it’ll keep you.  ~Mae West

There are thousands of thoughts lying within a man that he does not know till he takes up the pen and writes.  ~William Makepeace Thackeray

The most essential gift for a good writer is a built-in, shockproof shit detector.  This is the writer’s radar and all great writers have had it.  ~Ernest Hemingway, interview in Paris Review, Spring 1958

We are all apprentices in a craft where no one ever becomes a master. ~Ernest Hemingway

It is an often said but poorly understood notion, that many if not most people in your life will try to discourage, devalue and chip away at your self-worth. Due to toxic patterns, poor upbringings, selfish behavior, and other environmental and psychological factors, the masses try to bring you down. While exploring this subject, I took a deeper look at these things, and decided to share my thoughts as to why people do this, what you can do stop them and yourself from , and how to cultivate and nourish your own sense of self-worth.

What does a healthy sense of self worth get you? A solid sense of self worth can go a long way to helping you earn more money at work, improve personal relationships, and reinforce your ability to  have enough self respect to say “No, I don’t have to”.

A  healthy sense of self worth also helps to:

1. Identify abuse and toxic patterns in your mind and in your relationships with others.
2. Demand more for your time. This may mean more money, more focused attention, more balanced role in a relationship, or just more.
3. Empower you with the ability to respectfully decline to do things that you don’t want to do; the power to confidently opt out.

Why People Bring You Down

One way or another it comes down to the ego. Control, fear, insecurity and  desire for dominance and schadenfreude  drive us to put others down,  be it internally in our heads or externally.  No gender is immune to the practice or effects of this behavior. Men crush other men, rub in victories and defeats, women trash talk, judge themselves and compare to themselves to others.  It seems like it’s the way of the world and it’s encouraged in our culture commercially throughout almost every medium and method of information consumption, making it more difficult than ever to ignore. You would think that because the world is telling everyone that they are worthless, that we could at least be our own advocates, but by in large, our thoughts tend to conform and betray their masters. Don’t give up- there is hope.

What is the cure?

An attitude of constant cultivation and nourishment of our own sense of self-worth and confidence actually allows us to feel more comfortable around others, more likely to encourage, relate, empathize and  focus on the task at hand.

How do I get it?

Become aware of your self-talk and what you’re doing internally to bring yourself down. Identify those moments and switch tracks by reminding yourself that you are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions, and ultimately, it is your choice. Nurture your new found sense of self by paying homage to the body-mind connection. Think about hitting the gym, yoga, self improvement books,  find your zen, and take fun and play seriously.  Treat the stress reducing, nurturing

Why The Man is Always Trying to Bring You Down

Why they don’t really want you whistling while you work-it’s good for business.

In the business world, the preferred level of self-worth is lower than it ought to be. It is mandated and enforced by egotistical micro-managers and in every exchange. If you can lower your competitor, opponents, customers, and employees’ sense of self worth, you, (the superior one) can assert control and assure compliance.

• Lowering the self worth of others saves money. The lower the sense of self-worth, the lower the price of the goods or services as people will feel less confident.
• Ensuring compliance by projecting superiorty while simultaneously deflating your sense of self worth.
• Lowering self worth is often used by managers who are seeking improved performance. Ironically, if they lead by example, a new and more positive performance pressure would be created.

Carrying on between the sheets-these notions are at play in your personal relationships too.

Self worth is a big factor in determining whether the level of control in your relationships. Your confidence level is everything, plays a role in surrendering, seizing and balancing control. It effects how you judge yourself, what makes you insecure and jealous, etc.  

• If your partner feels that they are less attractive or more invested in the relationship, guess who holds the greater power?
• Guys know (and love…then loathe) this one- There is often a correlation between the self-worth and sexual performance. Someone with a lowered sense of self worth is more eager to please and more likely to be up for anything. I’ll let your imagination take you on that little journey. It’s great for a night but dealing with a damaged, depressed partner who is addicted to a cycle of self-deprecation is never a fun trip.

Common Misconceptions

Here are but a few misconceptions around self-worth that we operate on a daily basis:

• A Positive Sense of Self Worth is abi-something…abnormal. People are afraid and intimidated by those that are different, or who display genuine confidence and self worth. Society has such a toxic misunderstanding of confidence and self-worth, that it seeks to stamp out even the slightest sprout.

• A lower sense of self-worth is acceptable, respectful, and humble.  The problem with this notion is often that those doing the judging would prefer you to be so humble that you live under the floorboards. Many parents over-emphasize discouraging their children.

• Mistaking confidence for arrogance. The climate for confidence is so bad in this country that people seek to prevent any sign or inkling of self confidence. They do so in the name of preventing arrogance. Let’s clear this conundrum up right now. Confident people focus on being and doing while arrogant people emphasize pride in their achievements.

Friendly Reminders

• The world wants to bring you down right? GIVE THEM THE FINGER. Even at your best, if the world has it’s way, they’d give you 50 cents to the dollar. Remember: It’s got nothing to do with accurate assessment of your worth. There are many reasons why the world wants to get you down, and accurate and objective assessment is not on the list.
• Respect yourself enough to be picky about community. Strengthen and cultivate relationships with friends and loved ones who encourage, inspire, nurture and support the best in you.
• Consider eliminating the Debby Downers from your life. These are the self-loathing, depressed friends who narrate life as if each day were a Seinfeld episode.  At some point, you have to stand up for yourself and have the strength to move forward with or without them.
• Stop narrating your life in a negative way as if each  and everyday were a Seinfeld episode. It will eventually drive away all of those friends and loved ones who you really want around in life.

How To Fix it – 7 Ways to Super Charge Your Self Worth

1. START. Simply Sending yourself down a path of self-improvement is a helpful by itself. Decide to start. Whether it’s a diet, an exercise routine, a book, a conference, etc., just by seeking a path, you’ll see things improve. Problems arise when we procrastinate and excuse or allow ourselves to stray.
2. Clean up your psychological surroundings. Think of the things and content that feed the negative thoughts and consider reducing or eliminating them.
3. Put fun and relaxation on your schedule. Treat them as you would your most important business meeting. Block out the time and don’t let life interfere. Understand the effects these activities have. They re-invigorate you. They bring you more energy and excitement. They bring you back to life.
4. Monitor your internal chatter. Note when and where your thoughts begin to send you to a place of distress.
5. Confront your negative self talk with realistic and positive opportunities to act. Consciously make course corrections away from the thoughts that bring procrastination, distress, and anxiety.
6. Have courage and invest in self-respect. Having self- respect sometimes requires you to take a stand and say  No. No thanks. None for me. I Won’t do that.
7. Remind yourself of your goals when you have to interrupt temptations and old patterns e.g. ” No. I won’t have another piece of cake. I care about my figure and health and am working hard to improve it.”

Today was my first day back in the pool in over a month. I raced a tall bean sprout of a man and managed to keep within quarter of a lap of him.  In my sights the whole way,  I  slowly closed the distance to within a body length. I kept a steady pace and wasn’t redlining it or gasping for breath. On the last lap, I sped up my transition and cranked on the nitrous. I could feel my jets going behind me; a flailing storm of imperfect fluttering, the disproportionate dead weight of slender legs kicking and suddenly having a noticeable effect and actually helping my upper body. With a bubble riddled wake thrown behind me,  I dusted him by more than 20 feet, ate him for lunch.

If I were to pull ahead sooner, he’d have fought me for every inch and I’d have to choke down water to keep up. I could have swam hard all the way through and doubt I would be able to beat the guy. Many competitors focus too much on simply beating others and are rarely racing against themselves. That is to say, by acknowledging their weaknesses or being attentive and self aware.

As I start up my routine again, I’m of course slower than I’ve been all summer, but I planned to win by just enough and was able to do so. My transitions were slow throughout the entire race, I knew they were holding me back, but I was still able to keep within a certain distance without addressing it. At that point,  I knew I could beat him with a few simple corrections.

Win smart- not hard.

Plan, execute with practiced form and follow through with tenacity and endurance. If the plan goes to shit, and your form is utter crap (like mine), well, you can at least ride on tenacity and endurance. They’ll get you there often enough.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and for many of us it may mark the end of a relationship. It is the #1 dump day. So I thought I’d put together a short list of resources that I have personally turned to for self-help within a relationship. I find a deeper understanding from re-reading things and feel that it is always good to surround ourselves with positive influences.

A constant commitment to self-improvement will always be worth the effort no matter the outcome of a relationship, if you wake up every day, stronger, healthier and happier, the trials and tribulations of the day before were worth it. Here are a few tips to help you immerse yourself in an environment that facilitates positive change.

1. Subscribe to newsletters and magazines that are a positive force for your life. I <3 Mental Floss & Psychology Today. I pick up random hippy-dippy zen magazines that calm me down and keep  me positive.

2. Buy and read the books. If you are like me, sometimes, I only get to the buy the book step. You can’t absorb knowledge by proximity. Pick up the book. Read it and practice.

3. Listen to the Audiotapes. Audiotapes serve as helpful reinforcements but I believe I make better connections through reading. I am easily bored with music at the gym and love to flex my brain while I’m pumping iron or on long runs.

4. Watch the shows. I am a fan of anything that motivates and maintains a positive attitude and keeps you in a mindset of constant improvement.

5. The most important thing- DO THE WORK!  Interrupt your habits and patterns and apply what you’ve learned. Talk to your friends, family, and your spouse about what you are reading, trying, doing and thinking about. It is ironic that it takes more communication to get to better communication and so few of us actually do it. Do the work. Communicate!

“Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”

by Jeffery Bernstein Ph.D. and Susan MaGee

This book is a great starting point for any relationship. It  covers 9 toxic thought patterns that get in the way of loving relationship. The book provides ground rules, exercises that you may find silly but they pave the way for healthy communication and healed hearts between couples. This is a book you should read with your significant other. I have read it multiple times and will enjoy reading it again to refresh my memory.

“The Wisdom of Forgiveness”

by the Dalai Lama and David Chan

This book is a personal favorite. I have enjoyed all the Dalai Lama books and am always on the prowl for more practical applications of Buddhist teachings for westerners. If you pay attention to the methods told through the stories in this book, you can unlock an ability to approach even the harshest conflicts with a loving kindness. I get in trouble for laughing in fights now, not because I’m teasing anyone but simply because I am searching for tiny pleasant things to expand and enjoy in the moment.

The Psychology Today, Oprah and Dr. Phil Websites are full of useful articles regarding relationships. Here are some articles that have really helped me have a better understanding and the right attitude.

Oprah-How-to-Diffuse-a-Fight-Communication-Advice-for-Couples

Psychology Today-Darling-how-should-we-resolve-our-conflicts?

Psychology Today-Disarming-your-buttons-how-not-get-provoked-part-3-4

Dr. Phil-How To Fight Fair

Dr. Phil-Are You Ready for a Successful Relationship