If you remember nothing else or try nothing else, do yourself a favor and remember this:

1. Golden Rule for Personal Growth – Seek  to take in and express that which truly serves you and leave and avoid that which does not.

• Like a breath, take in that which serves, expel that which does not.

Negative thoughts and experiences are unavoidable, but through conscious effort you can decrease their effect and the amount of time it takes to push them out of your life.

• Consume that which serves you and pass by that which does not.

We have control over many aspects of our environment, what we eat, what we see, what we hear, etc. Of  the elements in your control, which are really doing you good long term? Which are helping you pursue your aspirations? Which feel good in the moment but are getting in the way? Call attention  to these elements.

• Do that which truly serves you and prevent yourself from doing that which does not.

Our actions our under our control. Our bodies develop physical habits and behaviors that correspond to our thoughts. Check your posture right now. Slouching? Call attention to it. Bad habits like excessive drinking smoking, over eating, etc. are connected to our thoughts- they are after all behaviors. Healthy physical actions can inspire healthy mental actions and vice versa. Whether you’re looking for a change or stress reduction, or a big slice of Zen, don’t ignore the physical body. Use it to be constructive and allow your physical efforts and aspirations to connect, inspire and synergize with your mental aspirations.

This is my little mantra. It requires discipline and constant effort but it’s worth it and has served me well. Adopt and adapt it to your life and may it serve you well.

2. Actively filter content. I seek  to consume that which truly serves me and avoid the trash that does not. This is a golden rule for me. When it comes to content, I only want to focus on, consume and interact with content that:

• helps me pursue my goals (in business and in life)
• inspires me (When I walk out of the movie theater,  away from the screen, article or book, I want to feel like doing something, building something, etc.)
• makes me feel truly happy in a more lasting way (think happy thoughts and memories worth savoring)
• challenges me (sometimes enrages, stresses me, but only in amounts I can handle)
• helps me relax

If you want to clean up your life and develop healthy thought patterns, start by cleaning up your psychological surroundings, that is, the environments that contribute to your mental state.  A good place to start is the big unchecked, elephant in the room  guilty pleasure: content. In the information age, there is no shortage of content to consume, and for better or for worse, most of it is trash. Following the golden rule makes it incredibly easy to cut down on consuming garbage TV, movies video games, gossip mags (and masculine equivalents) business magazines, etc. In the end, a majority of the content floating around out there does not help cultivate a happier, healthier mindset or inspire you. The little good it offers is disproportionate to the psychological detriment it causes.

Filtering out the noise and trash, frees up more time to allow me to do other things. Ask yourself this, on your tombstone which would you prefer to be written:

“Here lies Joe, he liked to watch other people do stuff.” OR “Here lies Joe. He did stuff and always had time for us.”

The choice is obvious. Simply by choosing to eliminate crap frees your mind and your time.

Examples of bad consumption habits:

• Over-Consuming TV/Video Games and The Web- You know it. I know it and for most of us, it’s difficult to stop. Start by calling attention to
• Watching TV/Video Games to fill time between work and sleep = the likely consumption 90% trash.
• Trash Content
• Gossip magazines, reality TV shows about suburban queens and celebrities, make you feel guilty, ugly, etc. don’t really add value to your life. Reality check: What most often derails you from your diets or other personal goals? Someone forcing you to eat cake for 3 meals a day, or, you hijacking your thoughts to create escape and avoidance route? Guilt, fear, anxiety and self-worth are all at play there, and

Consuming trash content is a major threat to health and wellness. It feeds negative thinking, devalued self worth, depression, and victimization that all get in the way of you going down a better path. What do I mean by trash? Crap content, or trash, is anything that has an overall more negative effect on your life and more specifically your thoughts. Content that discourages positive self image, deters you from a path of self-improvement and wellness. Trash content is all the noise- the glitz, glamor and graphics, all action, brutality and explosions and no substance. Bad writing is often at the root of it, encouraged by the overwhelming apathy when it comes to judging content to consume, (but that’s for a different post).

You will never be in short supply of funny videos to watch on the web, but you will always be in short supply of time to spend with friends and loved ones.

3. Have the Courage to Say No. Having self- respect sometimes requires you to take a stand and say  No. No thanks. None for me. I Won’t do that. Most people are lost like rats in a maze and will try to keep you lost in their and your habits and patterns. By most people, I also mean friends and loved ones that you and I care about. Help yourself and them by leading by example and saying no when offered things that do not serve you.

I say NO to slasher flicks. Friends still drag me to these things. After each and every single film without fail, both my friends and I come out regretting it. Have you ever seen anyone come out of a theater after seeing a horror film and jump up in the air with raised hands saying “I’m so glad I watched SAW 10. My Life Is Awesome.” ? NOPE. Yet, moments like these still happen every now and again.

We all have friends who push things on us both good and bad. It’s funny that often times, we have no problem pushing away or turning down things that are good for us, or that we ought to do, but we struggle to say no to the bad things.

Tip: How to Deal with Social Pressures and Pushy Friends

Explain what you value and how that value or principle contributes to your decision. So your new No message might be something like this:

NO Thanks- I won’t have a third slice of cake. I care about my figure and health and I’m working hard to make it better. A third piece of cake would  work against my effort and really wouldn’t serve me.

Be resolute. Repeat your reasoning in your mind. It’s just as important that you hear it as well.

4. Read. I know. Books right? The boring motionless medium that relays information-they still make em, and they’re incredibly useful. Change requires discipline; a focused and attentive mind. Books offer you that opportunity. They provide an intimate environment for you and the subject matter of your choice with a minimal amount of distractions. There’s no sidebar, there are no ads, and unless you read them on an e-reader, there’s no real option to change the channel and get distracted. Try reading a few-start to finish.

Don’t grab just any book. Do your homework- find something that will serve you long term. After all, you’re taking time to read this thing right? It might as well be something that helps you in life.

I’ll be the first to admit, when I was younger, I hated reading. I come from the video and video game generation and reading seemed like a very limited or low bandwidth information transfer protocol to me. However, I pushed my way through some self-help/personal development books, and found out just how fruitful the experience can be. Books changed my attitude, transformed my mind, and helped me change my behavior and thus have a major effect on my life. Well worth it.

5. Study/Cultivate. Don’t just read a book. Get the most out of it. Engage your imagination and get your whole brain involved. Study it. Apply its practices. Experiment. Start a discussion. Ask questions. Explore. Have fun with it. Most people read books just to say that they have read them, yet they don’t retain much of their information or wisdom. This is especially true of personal development books.

I read it and it didn’t work.

I hate hearing this statement. A book is not like a remote control for your television. Of course it didn’t work you only looked at it. You only read it. The book doesn’t work- you do the work.

The book doesn’t work.

This is very true especially when all you did was read it. If you applied nothing, you gained nothing. If you put nothing into practice, if you did not think critically and did not engage in discussions about the content, then of course it doesn’t work.  Time is precious, and in order to get the biggest bang for your buck, take on an attitude of cultivation and engagement with anything you wish to take seriously.

6. Relax. This can be more difficult than it may seem. Relaxing requires you to let go of the worries and task items in your life. Relaxing requires avoiding the web and email and walking away from the 24 hour negative new cycle. The best ways to relax involve getting out of your environment if you can, disconnecting from the consumption stream, and slowing your world down to the point where you can examine your thoughts as they come. Like a leaking faucet, you should be able to examine your thoughts at depth one drip at a time. You don’t have to do this to relax but if you’re in an environment that enables you to do so, you’re likely in a place where it’s easy to let go of time and enjoy the moment. This is a very different pace than the pace of work and much of our lives.

I struggle with relaxation. I’m a workaholic and a playaholic, and despite the need, I often avoid moments of complete relaxation. To cope and get to the point where I can easily relax, I do things like yoga, or go on long runs and bike rides. Sometimes I bring relaxing music, other times, I just enjoy the natural sounds or silence.  When I finish, my mind is calm and I’m ready to relax. It’s both funny and sad that nobody instructs you to prepare to relax, although you really ought to. Preparing for work is a part of education, yet relaxation is an important part of a healthy long term career and life and its left out of the equation and rarely taught.

7. Play. There is no age limit for play. Playing is important for everyone one. It reduces stress and relieves anxiety. There have been plenty of studies done on the importance of play as an adult as well as a child. Play should be light-hearted and fun. It should not be distressful. Play is different than work; even if you love what you do, you need to find time to play. Do something else. Be silly. Enjoy.

8. Pray/Meditate. Remind yourself of what you are trying to improve, call attention to it, daily, as often as you can. This practice brings determination, focus and attention to your goals and behaviors. The more you do it, the more attentive you’ll be.

9. Write. Of all the habits I have, few serve me as well as the habit of writing. Many people hate it and the reason I most often hear has to do with the technical demands- grammar and composition. However, to them I say, journals have been around forever, and they require no audience nor rules. You can write in a journal from the privacy of your own home, endeavoring in self exploration without fear of any judgement at all. Want a little interaction? Welcome to the age of the blog, where, in most cases, you’re not held to some high standard beyond relaying ideas and having conversations. Everyone should write.

Please Read 16 Quotes That Will Keep You Writing

10. Do. Discover the power and language of conviction. Just as you start by starting, you do by doing. The notion of “try” has become a verbal fabric softener. It works as a band-aid to help us cope or soften the blow of failure or the fear of new endeavors. Try is a word that implies a plan or easy exit strategy for failure. I will try to be honest. I will try to eat only 2 pieces of cake. Attempt is a similar word.  It’s okay to “try” new things, because the word helps us take that first step into the great unknown; but when it comes to goals, you are far more likely to succeed if you can visualize yourself actually accomplishing/achieving/doing the deed. Bottom line: Affirmations work better than “attempts” or “tries”  from the onset. Upon reflection, it’s okay to have tried and failed, or attempted, but visualize victory and doing something and you’re more likely to succeed.

It is an often said but poorly understood notion, that many if not most people in your life will try to discourage, devalue and chip away at your self-worth. Due to toxic patterns, poor upbringings, selfish behavior, and other environmental and psychological factors, the masses try to bring you down. While exploring this subject, I took a deeper look at these things, and decided to share my thoughts as to why people do this, what you can do stop them and yourself from , and how to cultivate and nourish your own sense of self-worth.

What does a healthy sense of self worth get you? A solid sense of self worth can go a long way to helping you earn more money at work, improve personal relationships, and reinforce your ability to  have enough self respect to say “No, I don’t have to”.

A  healthy sense of self worth also helps to:

1. Identify abuse and toxic patterns in your mind and in your relationships with others.
2. Demand more for your time. This may mean more money, more focused attention, more balanced role in a relationship, or just more.
3. Empower you with the ability to respectfully decline to do things that you don’t want to do; the power to confidently opt out.

Why People Bring You Down

One way or another it comes down to the ego. Control, fear, insecurity and  desire for dominance and schadenfreude  drive us to put others down,  be it internally in our heads or externally.  No gender is immune to the practice or effects of this behavior. Men crush other men, rub in victories and defeats, women trash talk, judge themselves and compare to themselves to others.  It seems like it’s the way of the world and it’s encouraged in our culture commercially throughout almost every medium and method of information consumption, making it more difficult than ever to ignore. You would think that because the world is telling everyone that they are worthless, that we could at least be our own advocates, but by in large, our thoughts tend to conform and betray their masters. Don’t give up- there is hope.

What is the cure?

An attitude of constant cultivation and nourishment of our own sense of self-worth and confidence actually allows us to feel more comfortable around others, more likely to encourage, relate, empathize and  focus on the task at hand.

How do I get it?

Become aware of your self-talk and what you’re doing internally to bring yourself down. Identify those moments and switch tracks by reminding yourself that you are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions, and ultimately, it is your choice. Nurture your new found sense of self by paying homage to the body-mind connection. Think about hitting the gym, yoga, self improvement books,  find your zen, and take fun and play seriously.  Treat the stress reducing, nurturing

Why The Man is Always Trying to Bring You Down

Why they don’t really want you whistling while you work-it’s good for business.

In the business world, the preferred level of self-worth is lower than it ought to be. It is mandated and enforced by egotistical micro-managers and in every exchange. If you can lower your competitor, opponents, customers, and employees’ sense of self worth, you, (the superior one) can assert control and assure compliance.

• Lowering the self worth of others saves money. The lower the sense of self-worth, the lower the price of the goods or services as people will feel less confident.
• Ensuring compliance by projecting superiorty while simultaneously deflating your sense of self worth.
• Lowering self worth is often used by managers who are seeking improved performance. Ironically, if they lead by example, a new and more positive performance pressure would be created.

Carrying on between the sheets-these notions are at play in your personal relationships too.

Self worth is a big factor in determining whether the level of control in your relationships. Your confidence level is everything, plays a role in surrendering, seizing and balancing control. It effects how you judge yourself, what makes you insecure and jealous, etc.  

• If your partner feels that they are less attractive or more invested in the relationship, guess who holds the greater power?
• Guys know (and love…then loathe) this one- There is often a correlation between the self-worth and sexual performance. Someone with a lowered sense of self worth is more eager to please and more likely to be up for anything. I’ll let your imagination take you on that little journey. It’s great for a night but dealing with a damaged, depressed partner who is addicted to a cycle of self-deprecation is never a fun trip.

Common Misconceptions

Here are but a few misconceptions around self-worth that we operate on a daily basis:

• A Positive Sense of Self Worth is abi-something…abnormal. People are afraid and intimidated by those that are different, or who display genuine confidence and self worth. Society has such a toxic misunderstanding of confidence and self-worth, that it seeks to stamp out even the slightest sprout.

• A lower sense of self-worth is acceptable, respectful, and humble.  The problem with this notion is often that those doing the judging would prefer you to be so humble that you live under the floorboards. Many parents over-emphasize discouraging their children.

• Mistaking confidence for arrogance. The climate for confidence is so bad in this country that people seek to prevent any sign or inkling of self confidence. They do so in the name of preventing arrogance. Let’s clear this conundrum up right now. Confident people focus on being and doing while arrogant people emphasize pride in their achievements.

Friendly Reminders

• The world wants to bring you down right? GIVE THEM THE FINGER. Even at your best, if the world has it’s way, they’d give you 50 cents to the dollar. Remember: It’s got nothing to do with accurate assessment of your worth. There are many reasons why the world wants to get you down, and accurate and objective assessment is not on the list.
• Respect yourself enough to be picky about community. Strengthen and cultivate relationships with friends and loved ones who encourage, inspire, nurture and support the best in you.
• Consider eliminating the Debby Downers from your life. These are the self-loathing, depressed friends who narrate life as if each day were a Seinfeld episode.  At some point, you have to stand up for yourself and have the strength to move forward with or without them.
• Stop narrating your life in a negative way as if each  and everyday were a Seinfeld episode. It will eventually drive away all of those friends and loved ones who you really want around in life.

How To Fix it – 7 Ways to Super Charge Your Self Worth

1. START. Simply Sending yourself down a path of self-improvement is a helpful by itself. Decide to start. Whether it’s a diet, an exercise routine, a book, a conference, etc., just by seeking a path, you’ll see things improve. Problems arise when we procrastinate and excuse or allow ourselves to stray.
2. Clean up your psychological surroundings. Think of the things and content that feed the negative thoughts and consider reducing or eliminating them.
3. Put fun and relaxation on your schedule. Treat them as you would your most important business meeting. Block out the time and don’t let life interfere. Understand the effects these activities have. They re-invigorate you. They bring you more energy and excitement. They bring you back to life.
4. Monitor your internal chatter. Note when and where your thoughts begin to send you to a place of distress.
5. Confront your negative self talk with realistic and positive opportunities to act. Consciously make course corrections away from the thoughts that bring procrastination, distress, and anxiety.
6. Have courage and invest in self-respect. Having self- respect sometimes requires you to take a stand and say  No. No thanks. None for me. I Won’t do that.
7. Remind yourself of your goals when you have to interrupt temptations and old patterns e.g. ” No. I won’t have another piece of cake. I care about my figure and health and am working hard to improve it.”

Death is a forbidden subject at most tables. Most people ignore and neglect even thinking of death and then when it comes for them or the people they love, they lose it. In fact, it is to the point where crazy reactions and psychological meltdowns are expected, encouraged and permitted. Death is one of the few certainties of life and that little piece of knowledge can be put to good use in terms of deciding the type of life we choose to lead in the present.

Many of us see no importance in thinking about death until it hits home, and when death comes, many people fail to even make a deep personal connection with their own culture’s traditions toward mourning and death. We process the loss and the guilt but too often, we don’t apply the experience to our lives. Many of us avoid thinking of death is out of superstition that we will somehow hasten our demise by merely thinking about it, and in the past, I have been guilty of this, but death is something for which everyone can prepare and we should all think about. It is when we think about death that we can develop a great appreciation and calling to enjoy and maximize our quality of life.  If you’ve survived a car crash, or simply heard the sound of screeching tires, I bet it got your blood pumping and at least for a moment, you thought about death and your life and new in an instant that there was much you wished to do and experience. You need not wait until those moments come to ponder the quality of your life.

Approaching life with the illusion of permanence is counterproductive to seeking a good quality of life. The notion that we will be here for a long time leads to superficial activities and procrastination that undermine ourselves and others. Creating the illusion that life is long makes it easier to put off the meaningful pursuits.

Here are some  helpful thoughts and things to say to yourself, that will help you maintain an awareness of death and use it to your advantage.

Because death can’t be avoided, my life only grows shorter and I’ve got such limited time; I must take advantage and do great things.

Because, my lifespan is indefinite, there are many causes of death and very, very few causes of life, and the time of death is unknowable due to the fragility of the body; I must do great things NOW!

Because at the time of death, my friends, my wealth and my body will be of no help to me, I must be spiritually and mentally prepared, satisfied with my efforts and contributions and avoid bitterness and anger.

Everyone should try to explore the opportunities to understand life, including death. A developed understanding of death makes for better coping mechanisms. Confront and prepare for an inevitable journey. I was recently reminded of our bodily rental agreement with the great creator,  helping my girlfriend when she discovered the boy of one of the family dogs in her parents backyard, and had this to say about it.

I found it different, to find him there, different from the news finding my ear. It was close. It was recent. The dog was not a dog; there was something empty about him; a husk of a husky.  Only a ringing left where a vibrant frequency was once heard, like losing perception, I could no longer pick up his transmission. It was not as if he had left but it felt as if I had gone partially deaf and could no longer hear him. I didn’t worry for his journey, my thoughts of worry were focused on those who would miss him. They to had to go on a journey, unpacked, unprepared, and often so it is, such a devastating trip to grieve.

As we wrapped him in shrouds and carried him away, it was strange to look at a rigored body, like seeing a frozen ocean; so use to the ebb and flow, the rolling waves of breath, the mind becomes dizzy and plays tricks as you look on with a thousand yard stare, looking for signs.

As vessels harden, it becomes easier to think of them as discarded husks; some invisible seed or blossom floated away leaving dry leaves and decay. I was well prepped to handle this tragedy and felt shame for feeling such curiosity. Pen in hand, mind in motion, I can meander in these situations. I worried for the family who are left to suffer and struggle, finding it so hard to process.  I had no words for them, I could think of none that would bring comfort. Tis a reminder, there will be more times when I am surprised; when someone escapes me and takes all comforts with them, and one day still when I too will be greedy, and take all words, leaving only grief for loved ones.

We loaded the dog in the truck and took him to the vet hospital to be cremated. It was a different experience than a funeral. Participating in the technicalities made it all the more strange…and interesting. After we arrived at the pet hospital, we transferred the remains onto a flatbed and it held its form like a plastic mold, as seemingly unnatural as a flamingo lawn ornament. The three of us wandered the halls down to the pathology department where the necropsy was to take place. I kept a blank look, fearful that to keep my normal SNAFU look would be an insult of some kind. I was also afraid to invoke emotion by expressing it. I didn’t want to expose my childish curiosity by asking too many questions either.

My girlfriend escorted me to a room where I was to wait until after she had collected a paw print from the dog.  I scribbled some thoughts down on paper. Secretly, I felt lucky; not sad, lucky to be detached enough to simply observe and think not of grief, not of death, but of life. I thought of life in this time of death. For some reason I felt comfort. There is something of a home and a family in times of grief. There is something in the fray, the surprise and emergency that comforts. I suppose it is the certainty of purpose, a call to service; one of the few moments for true virtues, friendship and compassion to shine. I wasn’t brought up with  table manners or a sensitivity to politically correct speech or the like.

Much can be learned from an awareness of  death. The delicate nature and indeterminate shelf life of our own fleshy cartons and blurry expiration dates remind us to that we are best enjoyed by the present, the now, the next 10 minutes.

I am re-reading Becoming Enlightened by His Holiness the Dalai Lama and want to take time to reflect on each lesson in the book.  I love Buddhist literature because of its logic and simple truths are undeniable and inescapable compared to other moral or religious doctrines. I find purpose, meaning and that personal motivation to work hard each day to take advantage this gift of mind and body. Here are my notes and reflections on a lesson focused on the rarity and value of a human life and going about virtuous deeds.

Human life is precious. If you are a Buddhist, you believe it took a hell of an effort and many lives as lesser beings to be given this opportunity and it will take many virtuous acts to have the opportunity to be a human in your next life. If you are of a Western religion, this life is it. No matter your view, the opportunities provided with this life are the most important things you will ever have. I am lucky to have the freedom to pursue academic and spiritual wisdom every single day. To take full advantage of this life I should spend each day learning what I can to rid myself of destructive emotions, so that I can become more selfless and apt to help others.

Lately, I feel I’ve been distracted from spiritual practice and rationalizing it by focusing on regaining stability in my life and relationships. Yet ironically, mental clarity is needed to meet these challenges. The ability to stay virtuous and compassionate in hard times is vital to overcoming obstacles and alleviating suffering. My spiritual practices and beliefs are very different from most people and I want this body and mind to best use. I best serve myself and others by keeping the mind and body sharp; taking time out of everyday to read, meditate, act, challenge and engage myself in practice. I am tormented by my own analytical abilities and what some grasp in a bumper sticker, I will take days to comprehensively wrap my head around reflecting upon reading through writing, meditation and exploration.

I’ve read that there are four ways to mitigate a non-virtuous action; admitting it, regretting it, committing not to do it again and engaging in virtuous acts such as helping others. Unlike  my experience with the notion of repentance, there is less focus or dwelling on guilt and more on acknowledgment of regret and progressive steps to do better and serve others.

There is a subtle but important difference between guilt and regret. Too often do we claim words as perfect synonyms.  The notion of guilt takes a communal, punitive,  external approach to experiencing shame. Guilt is most often expressed when staring down  a gun barrel or guillotine. Regret is  a personal, internal experience  of accounting for one’s actions. Which is more effective? A  man who expresses shame or regret needs no gun, or external prompt to atone for his actions and does so by choice. A guilty man, when rid of the barrel, has yet to atone and has every reason to avoid doing so as it is tied to punishment.  Regret and shame alone are not as condemning as guilt, and leave opportunity for progress. So, a religious institution that relies on teaching that all are guilty (and to seek repentance in  fear of punishment)  might not be as effective as an instituition that instructs to feel shame and/or regret and to seek enlightenment. I love and recognize the power and importance of words.

I do not avoid responsibility but I do believe that focusing on guilt can more easily lead to other destructive emotions and far more suffering than the original infraction. This gives all sinners purpose and responsibility to themselves and their community. We will all make mistakes but need not dwell in guilt.

In order to perform virtuous deeds, one should prepare a good motivation in advance, with high quality execution dedicated to altruistic enlightenment and without regret. We take on many tasks and complete few, and fewer still we complete well. In order to do well, it is important to cultivate a strong motivation to wish to see something through with no other aim than enlightenment; to learn something. This echoes the chivalry of ancient knights errant, juxtapose a world that still thinks  Don Quixote a great fool.

I love my life and spending a little time each day to reflect on life’s many lessons just makes me that much more determined to get more out of  each and every day.

Valentine’s Day is just around the corner, and for many of us it may mark the end of a relationship. It is the #1 dump day. So I thought I’d put together a short list of resources that I have personally turned to for self-help within a relationship. I find a deeper understanding from re-reading things and feel that it is always good to surround ourselves with positive influences.

A constant commitment to self-improvement will always be worth the effort no matter the outcome of a relationship, if you wake up every day, stronger, healthier and happier, the trials and tribulations of the day before were worth it. Here are a few tips to help you immerse yourself in an environment that facilitates positive change.

1. Subscribe to newsletters and magazines that are a positive force for your life. I <3 Mental Floss & Psychology Today. I pick up random hippy-dippy zen magazines that calm me down and keep  me positive.

2. Buy and read the books. If you are like me, sometimes, I only get to the buy the book step. You can’t absorb knowledge by proximity. Pick up the book. Read it and practice.

3. Listen to the Audiotapes. Audiotapes serve as helpful reinforcements but I believe I make better connections through reading. I am easily bored with music at the gym and love to flex my brain while I’m pumping iron or on long runs.

4. Watch the shows. I am a fan of anything that motivates and maintains a positive attitude and keeps you in a mindset of constant improvement.

5. The most important thing- DO THE WORK!  Interrupt your habits and patterns and apply what you’ve learned. Talk to your friends, family, and your spouse about what you are reading, trying, doing and thinking about. It is ironic that it takes more communication to get to better communication and so few of us actually do it. Do the work. Communicate!

“Why Can’t You Read My Mind?”

by Jeffery Bernstein Ph.D. and Susan MaGee

This book is a great starting point for any relationship. It  covers 9 toxic thought patterns that get in the way of loving relationship. The book provides ground rules, exercises that you may find silly but they pave the way for healthy communication and healed hearts between couples. This is a book you should read with your significant other. I have read it multiple times and will enjoy reading it again to refresh my memory.

“The Wisdom of Forgiveness”

by the Dalai Lama and David Chan

This book is a personal favorite. I have enjoyed all the Dalai Lama books and am always on the prowl for more practical applications of Buddhist teachings for westerners. If you pay attention to the methods told through the stories in this book, you can unlock an ability to approach even the harshest conflicts with a loving kindness. I get in trouble for laughing in fights now, not because I’m teasing anyone but simply because I am searching for tiny pleasant things to expand and enjoy in the moment.

The Psychology Today, Oprah and Dr. Phil Websites are full of useful articles regarding relationships. Here are some articles that have really helped me have a better understanding and the right attitude.

Oprah-How-to-Diffuse-a-Fight-Communication-Advice-for-Couples

Psychology Today-Darling-how-should-we-resolve-our-conflicts?

Psychology Today-Disarming-your-buttons-how-not-get-provoked-part-3-4

Dr. Phil-How To Fight Fair

Dr. Phil-Are You Ready for a Successful Relationship

Do you ever walk into those moments and get that feeling as if you traveled back in time or fell back into a dream you had? I deal with this every time I get a good night’s sleep. I have vivid premonitions and one day walk right into them at some future point in my life. The difference between this and Deja Vu is that I can remember the circumstances and details  of the situation and describe them  before they happen. I confirmed this with friends by talking about my dreams  especially with the friends who were in the dreams and asking them to remember the conversation, only to creep them out when it happens.

Sometimes, I stop people I recognize from my dreams and confront them, only to find out I have never met them before and then later finding them enter my life again. It is like Quantum Leap but without the cross dressing and the holograms.

This has been going on since I was a child. I have studied it and wondered what I am supposed to do with the ability and what exactly it is. I’ve read some dismissive clinical explanations that were inaccurate to my experience and I’ve also heard many a nut job ramble about obvious hallucinations linked with their drug habits in early adulthood.  I have discovered a few rules and distinctions that allow me to cope with the dreams.

Not all of my dreams are premonitions or they are sometimes tainted by the expression of subconscious fears/desires. When strong feelings are involved it can blur or twist the image. The circumstances are true but the outcome is different. People dismiss the dreams as useless if they cannot produce a consistent reliable result or probability. Yet I know when my fears/desires interfere with what I see and how it is effecting  the vision. It is true that I  can’t always rely on an outcome where strong feelings are involved, however, the circumstances are always correct. Our brains don’t keep time and I can only define a moment by the circumstances, environment and details surrounding it.

Environment is also a great time/location indicator. The smell of the air, the humidity, season are all available to my senses.

A premonition  can flow into a dream. It can flow into one causing more confusion. Consciousness and lucidity sneak up on you as you begin to pay closer attention. This phenomenon functions like peripheral vision or super position in string theory. The instant I pay cognitive attention to the premonition, other more playful and imaginative parts of my brain take over.

Perhaps the obvious reasons for those who find it difficult to explain these phenomenon are as follows:

1. Describing smell and climate is difficult to do accurately. Anyone can write a poem to describe the romantic picture perfect moment, but capturing accurate intel from the future is more difficult.

2. Defining the endpoint.  Interference from the conscious mind as the vision transitions over to a lucid dream get in the way of our vision. The end point is not the end of the dream. I at least don’t have convenient cues in my visions where the credits roll and the directors and stunt men are listed.

3. Strong emotions cannot be ignored by the subconscious and are placed appropriately into the vision. This is like taking the issues, moods, fears and desires of today and placing them on stage in the world of tomorrow. This is further convoluted by the emotions and imaginings of the future moment. My premonitions are visions of myself in my head; experiencing and interpreting an event. I not only see actions but thoughts as well. The events, thoughts and emotions are compressed together and it becomes difficult to distinguish them. This gift is not just the foretelling of the events but also foretelling of thoughts and mindsets if nothing is changed. Imagine a specific critical moment or emergency arising in your life and instead of responding, you freeze with fear, resulting in harm or suffering to yourself or others. Wouldn’t it be nice to know how you will handle a future crisis, allowing you to reaffirm your confidence or focus on change and preparation for that moment? It is quite a nice feature and anyone can do it.

4. Those same strong emotions that can be identified and separated in the vision, can change as they do in the present moment. The perceived future sent from my subconscious allows me to prepare for the possibility and I believe that is all one can hope to do.

5.

What is Going On?

I can’t rule anything out but I believe that we barely have an inkling of an idea of the capacity or capability of the human mind. I believe that the subconscious works with an emotional & logical computer that predicts events as if with mathematical formula. This is the nature of intuition, it is like math that can assign variables for emotions/

I recently dreamed I was on my friend’s boat,  a large boat, maybe a houseboat or sail boat. I know it took place on a warm climate in a location that is foreign to me at the moment. I was confronted with someone who I couldn’t readily recall their name or recognize in the dream but they were from  my past and also had a boat. If this were simply a dream, we’d all be dressed as pirates. The context and story I keep to myself, yet I am curious about the circumstances. I wonder where and when this moment will be? I trust it to come and believe it true just as I trust and believe in the next sunrise.

What do you do with the information given from the premonition?

If you strongly want it to happen or be prevented do not try and force a sequence of events and things into place. The mind is predicting these things given your natural tendencies so interfering by seeking to stop a series of events may not help and may only make matters worse. Why? Fear is predictable and can make us do stupid things. Genuine compassion or love on the other hand, is either harder to predict or given infinite possibility by the mind. It seems to be the only wild card, so only good things may surprise you! These genuine feelings are perhaps more complex. primal or buried more deeply in the human psyche or subconscious.

1. Write it down, every sight smell and circumstance.

2. At first, separate or take away any fears and desires. They are less reliable. Take away the elements you know you have strong feelings about and those are solid details to cling to.

3. You are often left with a vague event with specific circumstances, feelings and thoughts. Explore the thoughts and feelings and try to decide if they were appropriate for the moment. Then, encourage and develop the skills, behaviors and thought patterns that will bring those events into your life.

A scary, true, dramatic,  crazy story.

Years before meeting my girlfriend, I had a premonition about rafting with some friends and a girlfriend, I did not know. I knew at the time that the girl was my girlfriend, and the people my friends. I could feel the mental association and their roles. I could smell the sweetness of cedar and bland minerals and metals of the water. The mountains I thought.

The girl and I were in a kayak, going down a river riddled with rapids in seemingly the desert. We hit a large rapid and crashed into a rock that crippled and flipped the kayak sending us overboard. I remember the temperature of the water and the bulging awkwardness of my life jacket. I swam to the girl and carried her to shore. She had drowned in the water. I remember the fear the most. The fear awoke my senses and I then interfered and lost the vision.

This was startling for several reasons. At the time, I was with another woman, so I found the experience scary and inconvenient foreshadowing. Also, I found it difficult to share the dream with anyone else other than closest friends who would remain unaffected by the change in social roles.  Another basic reason I found the dream frightening the notion of dying or the death of a loved one especially right in front of you is traumatizing. I also didn’t think I knew enough about kayaking, white water rafting and tried to avoid dangerous activities that didn’t involve showing off or massive quantities of alcohol.

I wrote about the dream and wrote notes to  become more comfortable on water and to master fears doing far scarier things than kayaking. The fear kept me in pursuit of knowledge, preparation and confidence. I was not going to let this all happen. I thought that I could keep things as they were if I worked hard to prevent change. The duh factor eventually kicked me in the forehead. Change is the only constant.

Well, life marched on and things changed. I changed. For several reasons I found myself to be an action/extreme outdoor sport junkie and a new woman was brought into my life. I did not recognize her from the dream until earlier this week, when we were putting into the water. My girlfriend had rented a raft, and it threw me off. Things did not click until, upon having the wrong oars and less experience on the raft that we traded with our friends onto the kayak. I immediately remembered the dream and thought to myself about cancelling the trip or changing positions. Instead of crapping my pants or trying to avoid the condition, I remembered that I was shown the events for a reason and I spent the whole trip on the water enjoying the experience and being confidentally aware and ever attentitive to the dangers.

We made it half way down our route, 10 miles down the East fork of the Carson river, to our camp site without a hitch. We got through the toughest section of the rapids without flipping over or hitting any rocks. After camping for a day and a half, I was slightly worried for the rest of the journey, noting if anything were to happen, it would happen on that day. I tried not to think about it and made sure to be extra attentitive when reading the river, rapids and rocks. My girlfriend often poked fun at my overly serious tone- which is often very Indiana Jones on all of my adventures. I made sure to make fun of myself as often as I could and we thankfully avoided calamity and arrived at our destination safely.

The Spooky Ending. Cue the Twilight Zone narrator.

I don’t know if I foresaw a different trip with the same people or if it was my fear that I percieved in the original vision and prepared myself for the possible outcome, thereby avoiding it altogether. Perhaps it is a parallel life or time continuum that I was peaking at in my sleep. One thing is for sure, it was not random neurons firing, or the brain completely at insignificant play. I am quite sure our brains are more capable than we give credit.

duh dunh duhhhh!

Over and out- Post rafting pix soon

Ask yourself this in your day to day, are you focused more on thank you or f@4k you?

If you are focused on the latter, you are likely to be pessimistic and unhappy. The negative outlook is expressed in traffic, or at your job with clients and customers, at home with your kids, spouse, pets and inanimate objects. Think about those two words and how they are working out for your life. Think about the supporting rationalizations of your attitude. Are they accurate? Are they true or are you giving into your own pattern of negativity or fear?

From personal experience, the many business owners, executives and employees I’ve worked with over the past 10 years, I have yet to meet someone who was not taking an active part of their own reality. The f@4k you attitude has yet to be bring anyone I know success and happiness. This tends to be the attitude of  frustration atop layers of stress, worry, and all the way at the root; fear.

It is a quick hobble from fear to negativity in place of a positive, assertive action. Many people are afraid of poverty, boredom, losing their home, job, and livelihood but they make a choice to let that fear turn into negative emotion of resentment, anger, displaced aggression and distress. Fear can and should be used to create positive goals and from the goals comes executable actions and steps to be taken.

Addressing Negativity and Embracing Appreciation

1. Question your attitudes.

2. Question their reasoning.

3. Accept result and commit to change.

4. Schedule time-out to think about things for which you are thankful.

5. Write them down.

6. Rinse and Repeat.

Transforming Fears into Goals

1. Write down fears.

2. Get specific about those fears.

3. Write down goals that eliminate the fears.

4. Write steps that can be  taken to achieve those goals.

These two practices alone  can change your world into one of appreciation, positive attitude and real achievment.

Read more at Get Heroik