If you have too narrow a focus on your goals, your efforts may often be reckless and you’re likely to miss the wonders and blessings that life brings. So in the grand scheme of things, I pursue a few humble goals- I may be aiming low here but bear with me. My Goals:

Do amazing things.

Be an amazing man.

Love an amazing woman.

Enjoy all of it; every stare, every fight, every kiss, every failure and victory: every moment.

I’d be happy to achieve and sustain these four. Life is too short to live it down. I’ll cultivate all the positive lesser goals and steps I need. I’ll continue to have plenty of  hurdles, bumps, crashes, mistakes, losses, and embarrassing episodes but they’ll highlight the quixotic adventures, romantic episodes (and attempts), and the humorous shenanigans; each and every one full and rich with the compassion and tenacity with which I live. I’m sure I’ll continue to side step and swirl around in mischief and mayhem. I’ll still move forward, cultivating knowledge and wisdom while seeking out  the positive things that truly serve me and empower me to be of service to others. I’ll settle to live nothing short of an epic. And if I have anything to do with it, as I believe I do, I’ll have many happy moments throughout, important characters at every twist and turn, and won’t save it all for the end.

If we’re all holding the pen to our pages, why not drain the well, and pour the ink heavy, telling of a full and savored life? Why not follow through every word, with every microscopic  behavior, habit and action towards such life? What stops you?

I hold the pen to but my own pages. I do in fact scribble every episode and make it so. Even my worst moments bring me closer to friends,  the great pain gives way to strength, and all turns to laughter in the long run. The lonely nights are but the gaps between stars- and with them, in them, and through them, do I appreciate the way the light of those better moments and dreams glistens and reach to me.

A question that I’m asked often is what powers my drive. Where does this drive come from. I usually let out a light chuckle before I answer, knowing how absurd it will sound. The second question, often communicated by perplexed look, and mostly by other men, is why (the hell) I listen to all this fruity, soft, fem music most of the time. Believe it or not, the two are closely related. And while I can rock as hard in the rough and tumble, ‘Saturday night’s alright for a fight ‘fashion, weight lifting to Godsmack, Corroded, punk rock,  you name it; I limit that music to moments and activities where it truly serves me.  Now before you go out and buy every Billy Holiday, or Florence + The Machine album out there thinking to obtain some new empowerment, read on, to understand- it’s the fullness of the experience and mind that make the formula work, not the obvious tangibles.

Short version: Every man has his dream girl and muse, and even the bravest fighters were often driven by or recognized the power of feminine forces; Odysseus dreamed of Penelope and was cared for by the Goddess Athena, Lancelot had Guinevere (much to dismay of the King), sailors describe the sea as a great love and lover “she is the sea”, and I have my own dreams too- and lead my life in thanks and appreciation with songs for someone whom I’ve not met yet, knowing that these things + pursuits of authenticity and self actualization will lead me to her. I imagine that this cosmic dream, is out there sending praise and appreciation my way too, all yet to be realized. Life’s fun this way.

Perhaps I did not  get enough affection as a kid I don’t know. I find the world a hard place and it’s easy to be cruel, hard, mean, angry and violent. I find it all too easy to be those things; easy to be selfish in such a destructive way. Anyone who’s grown up with neglect, abuse, or hard times any sort will likely admit that it’s easy to be angry, bitter and cold. And there is an overwhelming cultural force of music and media to support these mentalities. These feelings have their place (I try to leave them at the gym or on the court).  For these reasons, when anger and all these negative emotions come easy to me, I seek to balance it out by cultivating an understanding and appreciation for more positive mindsets, and softer things.

If all you know is hardness, pursuing more hardness to an extreme won’t return you a full and rich of life. To escape it, or rather to connect and explore the unknown, you must contemplate a positive value to the opposite and go explore it and cultivate it. In many ways, especially in male culture, we still to this day, smash on softness to an extreme, and have forbidden the balanced man/warrior poets. Yet we so obviously suffer from an epidemic of over-compensation (read Douchebags) on the one hand and complete effeminate wimps (read pussies) on the other, as if it is a polar choice. Between, option A, and option B, I choose option Z and reject the notion.

Live, love, & fight with courage.

In times of war tis same take courage,

In times of love have courage,

Live with courage-never too lax never too taut

Know the tension of life,

Strive, pour it on write it down, let it settle,

Let it ride the veins and go- go onward.

I think part of courage requires a wisdom and healthy fear of limitations and healthy optimism for possibilities, embracing the emotional and psychological challenges as with all the confidence and might you would the more physical tests. After all, not all dragons can be slain by the sword, some require mastery of the heart.  And to that effect, some of the greatest warriors and heroic archetypes have been the greatest poets and lovers.

Love + Home to me, (for many reasons I’ll drone on and on about below) are kind of distant or ethereal to me for the most part. They’re partly states of mind reached in pursuits of authenticity and integrity. I reach them by being/feeling authentic and in line with my values. I find them in times where I recognize that in that moment, I am being the man I want to be. That’s when I know I’m on the right track, and that’s when the people, elements, and awareness comes to me.

I believe, that what we get out of life, is largely dependent upon what we seek, the effort we put in, and what we project outwardly. Taking the time to imagine vividly, to think actively about the life I want, the home I want, the love I want; these visualizations fuel my drive, and in many ways that I can barely fathom, attract these things to me. For these reasons, I psychologically hoard all the good stuff I can.

In the form of music, I seek positives; sometimes calm, sometimes not, sometimes struggling like water crashing over the rocks and spilling down mountains.

The true and perhaps greater challenge then is to walk with compassion in the face of adversity and draw near and protect those sweet voices anywhere I find them.

I could use my talents and predispositions to take everything I can, give in to the societal value system, but my dreams, desires and hope stop me. They can be great teachers but there are better pursuits that are  far more valuable and rewarding to me at least. Violent or cold mindsets only bring greater pain and suffering to my life.  For this reason and how I view the world, I need little external encouragement. So I cultivate that which I lack, that which I wish to attract, that which I cherish and dream about- compassion, affection,etc.

What I desire in home/love/life  is a partly a dream and fantasy, a warmer place of compassion, affection,  understanding; just a place in my head, where I love to go; and a state of mind is closest I might ever get to it. I didn’t grow up with a solid root system or warm home life, so it makes perfect sense  that I chase the notion now. And while these notions once crippled my life, creating codependent habits, etc.

Home to me as a grown man: a warm, loving woman, warm place, both full of compassion.

I picture the world a warmer place the people in my life warmer, more compassionate and so I rigorously pursue self development, actualization and acceptable level of authenticity.

The drive, the juice and marrow of my life, here’s my secret: I dream of a warmer world; a warmer love, that I’ve not known and may never know but if I’m to find it- it will be in pursuit of the man, the authentic person that I believe I am and can be.

Find me happy and compassionate,

strong and able and ever reaching.

Ever reaching- and so I push

And so I  train, Ever ready.

Never perfect but always forward,

open and ever-ready.

I bury myself in these words. I bury myself in these songs. I cram the lyrics and vision in my head and dreams. Stirring them often to keep them evenly dissolved, perfectly mixed  in the soup of my mind. Like prayers and little awarenesses, little seeds, that they may sprout and attract that and whom for which they were designed.

I get a laugh when asked about it- I don’t know if she exists, such a compassionate fulfiller that can draw me in and not be turned away. I know if she does-I’ll only find her in pursuit of living authentically, as the man I am proud to be, and so I run, so I push, so I go.

I’ll know it when,
Will I?
Will I see it then?
Will I feel it then?
I will.

I’ve searched my past, my present and future. I’ve driven myself mad many times over, contemplating something warmer than my dreams, warmer than my bed, warmer than my home, a new level, a love, an awareness, a bridge and connection to a greener place , a place to rest if only for a moment.

These voices that stay my hand in times of anger, though are not with me in life. That compassionate voice is not present. So I imagine them near by -I  hear them in music. The greater I pursue the person I want to be- the closer I get to those voices and places I desire. So I endure and walk forward by no means  good, but authentic, human.

Call it idolatry and grand delusion- I call it purpose, hope and dream; ethereal and up to me, for my part to see through to fruition.

And so I’ll sing her songs and fill my heart and thoughts as I smile and run down-trail. I am-and it is intertwined. It is my nature. So deaf you’ll find me if you try to dissuade and dead you’ll find me If you ever succeed in doing so. No material comfort could replace this, my drive and heartbeat- so it is. Perhaps more should be this way. Perhaps more are- more than I realize.

Achievement is an enjoyable side effect, the drive is pursuit  Achievements are nice snapshots along the way, largely immaterial and unrewarding save for the solid rung on which to leap upward from.

My friends  laugh -you are a strange and funny man, “You do not sing the hymns of battle. ”

To which I respond “Yet I have more victories.”

I’m sure the music and mantras will find me when I’m in a mood to break, destroy, rape and pillage; I need not keep them top of mind. Til then I’ll listen.

Thats it.  The rest is frosting and sprinkles and another candle each year- cake anyone?

A Few Songs That Caught My Attention While Working on This

To get the full effect- check these out:

Definitely give Hem a go.

Half Acre – Hem Listen Here

Idle (the rabbit song) - Hem Listen Here

Asleep at the wheel – Working for a Nuclear Free City Listen Here

The Girl – City and Colour Listen Here

Dream Girl – Dave Matthews Band Listen Here

Heavy in your arms Florence and the Machine Listen Here

Sometimes ( I Wish) – City and Colour Listen Here

Stand by me - Tracy chapman Listen Here

Candlelight - Imogen Heap Listen Here

Lost – Coldplay (Surprisingly Good Lyrics ) Listen Here

Float on - Modest mouse Listen Here

The highest mountains I’ve dared to summit are those of my own character.

I’m still climbing.

The darkest holes I’ve dared to crawl through are those of despair and confusion.

I’m still crawling.

The longest run I’ve attempted- was during a game of tag, running away from myself.

I still don’t know who’s it.

Moving forward requires you to look ahead while reflecting on past accomplishments, rejecting past fears, and rejoicing in the wisdom gained from failure and humor of it all.

I’ve put myself on every mountain, in every hole, just as we all have and do. It’s who we are. If we’re lucky, we find people who throw us a line, see through our doubts, fears and bullshit, and tells us to keep going and reminds us that we’ll make it.

Though our nails may blacken, skin may crack and bleed, we may get stuck, we may suffer, sprain, strain and break, the human truth we share in these many moments of self exploration and life,  is to endure and press onward.

2 line redux of this post: Know and be yourself as often as you can. Cherish others for doing so by encouraging authentic expression.

You know you’re out of whack with yourself when you  wake up uninteresting, and more or less apathetic and complacent with those around you. It’s another day in the life of… pile it on.  This is no way to enjoy life or celebrate the company of others. Too often we compromise our true selves in an effort to appease others and indulge in taking on prescribed roles that come with some cookie cutter notion of happiness.  Conforming to these roles is debilitating. Giving in to external pressures to change your identity often does more harm than good. Taking on new a role or adapting to a relationship,  seems to trip me into a  cyclical habit of trading in my truck nuts and hanging up my cape in an effort to find stability, only to find more chaos and confusion.

You can cite whatever reason you like for this behavior (insecurity, desperate last-ditch effort to find sanity,etc.) and they’re probably true of me.  We all have been guilty of going along to get along at some point in our lives. If that’s all you’re doing, and you don’t keep in tune with your authentic self it will lead you into guaranteeed trouble and unhappiness down the road. What’s the point of life if we cannot be our true selves?

And though I’m guilty of  falling for it, major character compromise to fit a cookie cutter role leads to a tsunami- shit storm of lies. You lie to yourself and everyone around you about so many things. What is worse, you begin to believe the lies and then proceed to lie to yourself and tell yourself that you’re happy and others in your life are happy with this fictional version of yourself too.

One thing is for certain, we’re in charge of these decisions, as painful as it is to admit. You may be pressured externally, but ultimately you choose to give in or give up on the elements that make you- you. And the lies go unchallenged until they become a distorted view view of who you are. But, luckily, your friends, family and loved ones know better. They know you’re bullshitting them and yourself and though it might be nice in a moment or a road trip here and there, it’s breath-takingly boring.

MY BIG MISTAKE #45- Repeated Offense: I thought it altruistic and selfless to surrender my authentic identity in order to make room and mesh well with the people I care about.

Surrendering pride and personality to completely fit other people’s expectations sets you up to get walked on, or become someone’s house pet. The “perfect”  house trained guy for example, is also likely to be the most abused, submissive and least attractive guy in a group. Doing this voluntarily is obscene. Once you’re broken, after you’ve given in too much, you’re as appealing and attractive as a pack mule. No one wants to ride the Jack-ass. Everyone wants to ride the stallion. The more you buck (as long as they can stay on) the better. Okay bad, distracting, way too sexual but true analogies aside, this post is really about staying true to your authentic identity, not dynamics of men in women. My lens is biased of course, being a man, and a mustang at that .

Speaking of men and women, let’s talk attraction. It turns out, we’re more attracted to the unique characteristics that bring us together in the first place. People who feel at ease in their own skin and have their own nature we want to cherish. The more you project your true self with confidence, the more attractive you are to others. The longer you hold on to that authentic sense of self, the better and more dynamic, exciting, and interesting your relationships are and will be.

 LIFE ALTERING REALIZATION#1 Letting go of the edge, unique formula that makes up who I am, wasn’t making anyone happy. The altruistic martyrdom of the authentic self is suicide, a selfish, not selfless effort, that nobody important to you benefits from. We love and want to know and share our authentic selves with each other. The compromise to meet in the middle can actually drive people apart when acceptance and encouragement aren’t big enough parts of the formula.

LIFE ALTERING REALIZATION #2 – I do this to myself. Call it insecurity or over zealous pursuit of stability, compromising who you truly are is a voluntary act. Unless you’re a torture victim, and it may feel like it at times, losing touch with your own authenticity is a path you choose along the way.

People around you are attracted to you and have to accept you (and hopefully celebrate you) for being who you really are. Fitting in by turning yourself down a notch (or in my case, committing egotistical castration) to be agreeable/submissive, is unattractive, annoying, and at least for me, has resulted in alienation from myself, friends, family, goals, dreams and neoteny (google it- it’s a word with knowing). I’m an adventurous, bold, outspoken, alpha, compassionate, reflective, and confident nut-job. The more I suppress this personal truth, the worse my life and relationships become.

The best thing you can do for yourself and others is to constantly reach for, unlock and explore what it means to be your authentic self. The shocking realization and importance of this hit me like a Chinese bullet train (where they don’t even look at the speedometer and crash). In  what will go down in history as one of the most important conversations I’ve had with anyone in a long time, a simple truth shed some light on the subject. Guess what? The hard edges of my character, the self assurance and confidence that the planet whines at me about (jealous fuckers), are also the traits that those close to me find most appealing (and annoying in perfect dichotomy). Turning my back on the unique qualities of my character, eroded my appeal and had been taking its toll on my relationships, not only with my spouse but others around me, time and time again.

REVEALING PERSONAL STORY

In a come-to-Jesus, do-or-die conversation with my girlfriend, I learned that all this time, the characteristics I had been suppressing, we’re the ones my girlfriend were the most attractive and sorely missed. I wasn’t forced or even asked to become a docile whimp, I chose to become that way. Who can respect a push over. So, I promptly hit her a few times with a phone book 1) because it leaves no marks and 2) to make up for lost time- (TOTALLY KIDDING… I used soap in a sock… also a joke- please don’t send me letters about spousal abuse.

LIFE ALTERING REALIZATION#3 Letting go of the edge, unique formula that makes up who I am, wasn’t helping anyone.Compromise is important in relationships but equally important and often underserved, at least in my experience, is acceptance and celebration of the genuineness of others.

The double edged reality of this is that we, or at least I have been forgetting  precisely what it means to cherish the people of our lives. Add this to the list of things that I currently suck at and need improve: accepting, appreciating and celebrating the unique personalities, especially those I care the most about. In short, cherishing those I love. We could all be better at that don’t you think?

I find it all to easy to be critical and even pessimistic at times. My brain is wired for critical analysis, and it’s all to easy for me to got there. The  common argument for always being positive is, at least to me a weak bumper sticker, especially when it comes in opposition to criticism. “If you don’t have anything nice to say…” doesn’t carry a lot of merit with me. But, for the first time in my entire life, I’ve found what I believe is the best reason to speak and act more positively with others, more often.

Any criticism, and especially the small ones, can lead to pressuring others to chip away at the genuine characters of others. Everyone, even the best of us are insecure at times and in small subtle ways. Giving in to the small criticisms erodes the true self- one small bit at a time. This is a violation of  identity; a slow, painful suffocating experience. Over time, these small things build resentment and bitterness to the point of compromising our selves to a dull mew.

Two bits of fortune cookie wisdom that are too long to fit on fortune cookies else you’d have seen them before:

1. Don’t spend more time talking down to your spouse, or anyone you want to keep in your life, than you do talking them up. Encouragement brings change. Discouragement breeds resentment and the return fire might do more damage.

2. No matter how hurtful or negative you find a comment, do the best thing for the both of you, don’t let it get you down. Allow yourself to be challenged and called to action but don’t waste your time becoming, bitter, angry or giving up in submission (unless we’re talking foreplay wrestling matches- then, just let me win okay? Thanks). This doesn’t mean put up with crap and don’t confront it. On the contrary, it means stand up for yourself and don’t allow yourself to become crippled over time by a single blow.

The  major contributing factors are the external pressures criticism and pessimistic garbage we broadcast to one another. Bare in mind, that I am of the born-in-a-barn variety and this may seem obvious to others, but the notion that the littlest of things can slowly but surely eat away at every bit of confidence and authenticity of those that I care about, is agonizing. I may as well be running a round turning screws in people’s heads a little bit each day. These things stack up and cause so much sufffering and I’ve slung mud with the best of em!

Imagine crippling your spouse with small sprinkles of criticism here and there, each and every day, slowly dulling your own relationship and resenting the other for it. It snowballs quickly. Stop now. Hammer time.

LIFE ALTERING REALIZATION #3 It’s vastly more important to practice appreciating and encouraging self -connection and the genuine characteristics of those people in my life I’ve come to know and love. We should inspire and encourage authenticity with loved ones as often as we spare the time.

I’m not saying you should be the biggest prick in your room, blame your spouse and change everything in your life to go  ”find yourself”. That’s a bullshit cop-out. The more you encourage and celebrate others and yourself to go out and be yourself and share more with each other, the happier you’ll be.  Don’t give in to the pessimistic masses preset expectations about our identities and roles in society. Who we are and how we are allowed to measure and explore and define ourselves and our relationships is up to us entirely-unless it’s against the law- yeah you there with the 4 teen-age wives, I mean you.

Admissions, Fixes, Experiments and Prayers. 

1. THROW EVERY CRITICISM I’VE EVER SAID OUT THE WINDOW. I was probably wrong about at least half of it…okay probably more like most of it. I’m a direct decendant of Fred Flintstone. Please forgive me for turning the screws and help me find new ways to be a positive and encouraging force in your life.

2. FRAME THIS STATEMENT:. I was, am and will be in the future wrong about things that are important to you. Don’t give into me (at least not all the time). Stay true to your form. Trust me, despite what idiotic thing I may say, you’re sexier the way you are and are meant to be- mind and body. And, if we’ve been in each other’s lives more than a month, listen for cues to ignore me- because I’m likely to be full of it at times.

3. Since I’m throwing myself on the fire, I might as well set the rest of you fuckers on fire too. SOCIETY is wrong. They have no idea, nor concern or genuine interest in you being your most authentic self.  From every angle and spectrum you’ll find people giving away pessimistic junk food designed to make you feel fat and ugly. Just say no. Find and do the things that feed your soul.

4. If you’re reading this, you probably know me and I know you.  I truly care about you being your authentic self, more than my own massive ego and fantasmagorical expectations may lead you to believe.

5. Despite what I may do or say.  I need you to be you, not just an ordinary you, but the best version of you that you can possibly be. It inspires and reminds me to accept and celebrate the things/traits/qualities you find fulfilling and that make you happy. I need to know these things.  You need to be the strongest you, stand up to me at times, and practice doing all the things that make you happy. (short of violating trust/hurting others).

6. In the beginning, we learned of one another and paid attention. In the middle, we tuned out. In the moment, I’d like to spend time each day getting to know the people I care about. SHARE MORE ABOUT THE THINGS YOU ARE PASSIONATE AND EXCITED ABOUT, So I can get excited too! More importantly, I want to share as many adventures and good times as we can together without compromising or losing our authentic selves.

Here’s a list of things:

• Always reach to appreciate and encourage the unique elements as long as they are positive for those you care about. NOTE: Notice I said positive, I didn’t say healthy, good for you, or anything close to some subjective form. Positive means positive for others not you (yeah me, I’m talking to you).
• Be careful not to get lost in the details or shaking your head at people for doing things they find important (true to themselves) simply because you feel it’s bad for them. There are important times when you should stand your ground and provide tough love, but they are few and far between especially if you are as detail oriented as I am.
• Pinpointing fond memories, the most attractive/inspirational people I’ve known are thought of in reflection in their most authentic moments. Think back on your best moments and fantasy flashbacks or recall of memory of those you’ve loved. Women are usually better than men when it comes to figuring themselves out. Or, at least, I seem to notice them more.
•   There’s nothing sexier than a woman being herself, lost in a moment doing just about anything. My blood-flow might be in the wrong place as I right this, but these moments are cherished. You can see it in an instant. It’s not exactly in spite of society but it’s not conforming by any means.  There’s something about when people being the most uber and in touch versions of themselves.
• What could feel better than being lost in a moment as your true self, and having the appreciation and support of loved ones encouraging you to have more moments?

I’m sitting here, writing this, with my pants down around my ankles, shoes still on and covered stem to stern in Icy Hot.  No- I wasn’t doing what you think was doing. It’s much worse than that. After 4 days in Vegas, I decided to start my return to health and wellness by running 13.1 miles solo, for the first time, ever.

Brilliant idea: Run a half marathon for the first time, after 4 days of Vegas. That’s 1 month’s worth of hard alcohol, a year’s worth of second hand smoke, too many hours on airplanes and buses.

It gets better though. The thought that lead me to this activity was this: if I can do the Tough Mudder, I can do this. I’ve got the residual twitch from elctroshock therapy, I can deal with this. No Problem. Damn you Tough Mudder and showing me that limitless possibilities of…ways to break myself. Seriously, I knew it would hurt, but I was pretty sure I could get through it.

I thought it would be a good idea to run it solo. It’s prep work. It’s the failure your expecting. These are the initial runs where you note the failing points and work out the kinks. For example: 12 oz of water and a sip of Gatorade G2 do not make up for 4 days of dehydrated drunken stupor.They also do not constitute a good pre-run prep routine. Observation #2 – not planning on the distance until about 6 miles in…I am a  brilliant bad-ass…or so I thought

No one has to hear you whine and you have no racing anxiety/adrenaline factor to worry about. You also don’t have hydration stations, support, paramedics, oxygen, trophies or a way to cop out. Stopping = cramping and then you’re really screwed. I screwed myself 8.48 miles in when my Nike+ iPhone app went on the fritz. I stopped to fix it. Oops… I then ran like a starving penguin, waddling forward using mainly my toes and calves mostly. Still moving forward at least.

What’s greater than running a half- solo for the first time? Walking 2 miles home afterwords. I thought I’d walk off the run and get my muscles to relax. What the fuck was I thinking? Every step made me feel like a rusting robot. I was too tired and in too much pain to do anything about it. I couldn’t cry about it nor could I muscle up the sphincter control to poop my pants either. Both would be acceptable expressions in my opinion. Stopping at stop lights was excruciating.

At this point, I knew I was on the clock- a ticking time bomb until total body failure. I stood at the cross walk, calculating the odds of limping across  the street without becoming roadkill. Waiting for the light was the best decision I made on the run. You know the timers on the cross-walk signs? At 26 years old, crossing 6 lanes, I felt like it would have been faster to walk on my hands.

You know when you reach the personal pain point where all the social niceties and manners are thrown out the window? That was like 5 or 6 miles back. I’m wandering the streets cursing at newspaper machines and anything a shade of any color I don’t like… Fuck you yellow shitty fedex drop-off station. Die in a fire! I was mumbling and grumbling like a drunk on his way out of the courtroom.

I tried the whole way to lie to myself, forcing myself to smile at everyone, like I was enjoying it. Afterall, I knew pain was a given for this quest. I tried to make fun of myself though. I wondered which was better, the run or slamming junk in a sock drawer (Don’t ask me how I’d do that- I keep my socks up high). I settled on I’d rather paint my taint with Icy Hot and pondered on adding that to my list of recovery tasks for a few minutes, and good news, decided against it.

I mentioned Icy Hot Before and I have to say that I need a paint roller and a 5 gallon bucket of the stuff- not this lip stick applicator. They stuck a mouse-ball in the top of the tube ensuring that relief is just hours away as you try to solve the Chinese torture test of how many times you’ll rub your legs with it before it actually starts applying anything.  After playing  a very intimate version of around the world with myself for 2 coats of the junk, I’m exhausted. My arms were cramping and I couldn’t lift the applicator. Somewhere, there is an engineer laughing about this maniacal design. 5 minutes later, I’m regretting the over application of Icy Hot and shivering, had to get a shower.

FYI you can in fact over do it on the Icy Hot.

Now in a close second to all  this is this plain and simple fact. It’s Monday. It’s a great day to start anything and I have a lot planned. I had to scratch some items off my to-do list and limit myself to the items I can do without walking. When I got home- I knew I couldn’t sit right away. I went questing for supplies: water, ice, Tylenol and edible garbage you’d mistake for food. After filling my arms with munchies and drugs, I found my seat, dropped my drawers, laid on the Icy-Hot and began reflecting on my decisions.

Don’t get me wrong. There were a lot of positives to all of this and I’ll save them for a separate post, but I thought I’d let you all in on the satirical/cynical self-talk , in hopes of getting you to join me in laughter…at own expense. Anyway, this might be the pain talking, I’ll be boasting about this achievement soon enough, which should in fact cue more laughter as you remember the whimpering and rants of pain, agony and 2 bottles of Icy Hot it took to achieve all this.

I think I connect with more people as a dysfunctional but hopeful illiterate, than as a business man. I’ve been locked away for what seems years using a language that’s foreign to most of my friends and family. It’s very isolating. And although, under the big umbrella of arming myself to bring more creativity into my work life, I’ve written less than I hoped.  Perhaps the most important aspect of writing for personal development (or sanity in my case) I forgot that it also provides something essential to any social interaction- interesting narrative and points of discussion, you know the real human story- the crazy emotive juxtaposition between what we do and why we do it. I miss those conversations.

I’m certain that a majority of subjects that float around in my conversations these days are about as interesting as talking about the nuts and bolts of sink fixtures and plumbing parts. The potentially receptive audience is limited to say the least. I sound much like Charlie Brown’s teacher-the muted brass squawks of the mundane yada yada variety. While I’m happy with the direction of my work- the isolating side-effects of being out of balance and business gibberish have become incredibly apparent. Anyway- on with it, bottom line- I’ve got a social glue shortage and I need to make up for it.

Do we dare outshine the world?
The mediocre only comforted by numbers, en masse and entirety.
Bright lights are snuffed quickly, given in and given up to surroundings.
The crowds will scream to pile on, fall in, get on track; demanding complacency.

Many years building walls and machines, scraping the knees crawling forward with these ideas and dreams.
Every turn of the screw unravels the seams- a balance required between succumbing to madness and surrendering to prescription and methodology.

Under the metal and wires, beyond policy and stratagem,
The blueprints that tame the hand- forcing lines, angles  and octagons,
Where once curves bent, and sketch, scribble and stacked layer of mark defined the scene;
Beneath doc piles that pummel the poetry, muffle the humanity;
Draft upon draft, scratched on the walls and every scrap, the words, the mind of a man-reduced to graffiti

Shouting “Onward!”
Marching orders that sore the throat -leaving little whispers and echoes of adjective history and passion.
You can enslave yourself in obsession building for freedom,  and lock yourself away hiding in the paperwork,
You can build great halls, conquer mountains and raise robot armies, but tis the voice and warmth of the man that makes them glow, makes them great, draws others under one roof.

Kingdoms are not forged with only stone and gold, nor great minds alone.
Tis the pouring of  the whole self, the emptying of the cup that makes room for others.
The passion, vices, virtues of a man, his many failures,  few successes,
The efforts and emotions expressed and intuited,
The growing sense of humility-shared, that brings connection.
The understanding of interdependence,
The spark of light and knowledge that gathers, empowers and reminds us:
The greatest things we build, we build together.

In the name of pride and selfishness, I am often stricken to slave away in folly so that ultimately I can say, “Look what I have built.” Call it bootstrapper’s hubris, where you fail to admit your appreciation for the extended, social safety net that even the most successful people count on- The one that’s built with the compassion of others, that cannot be bought or mechanized. The humble and plain truth is simply that it is the atoms of influence and inspiration, the molecules of guidance, mentoring, study, help and support of many great people and works that allow for anything great to come forth onto page, place and pavement.

I suppose the greatest thing we can do- to enrich ourselves, is to enrich others and to build better glue to see what comes of it. We’re all in the glue business; making it, sharing it, using it. And we could all do well to build better bonds with those around us than that of  knock off post-it notes. In this day and age the most original thing we can do is reformulate the cognitive  and social elements; to filter for greatness and empowerment; to project positively, the stickiest surface we can imagine.

Thank God for the Fall, cold whether reminds us, or me at least, of the warmth of others.

Reflecting on the year,  I seem to be quite good at setting up these epic jokes, year long efforts of working so hard to build something empowering  and forgetting to add  the most basic and essential ingredients. The ability to laugh at myself, is perhaps the greatest ability I will ever possess.

Sincerely optimistic

-Me

For me ignoring perceived social and performance pressures and just writing for writing’s sake was important to reconnect with and remember. I’ve been in the deep-end of the freezing cold fear pool, and today I climbed out and had to find my balls again so speak. So, today I broke the seal on all of that.

Obsession with perfection/performance can immobilize your efforts and prevent you from doing what you need to do. The desire to do the right thing (in an absolute sense), can trick and angst you into doing nothing. Doing nothing is of course the opposite of what you want to accomplish. For me this is especially true of communicative activities, it builds into writer’s block, which is social and business suicide when most of how we communicate is written and digital.

Advice on how to overcome this neurotic tendency: GO CRAZY. Take a bat shit nuts mentality and free your mind.

Visualize scooping up all the mental blocks, concerns, stinky misconceptions, in a paper bag.  Throw the bag into a fast car and driveover a causeway at Mach 10. Roll down the window and throw all of that B.S. out the window. Go insane with glee at the sense of liberation you now have. Smile and go nuts- like Dr. Gonzo/Hunter S. Thompson fucking nuts. With an empty car, clear desk, fresh mind in the moment, you are free to take the first action-however imperfect and flawed it may be. Remember, you’re nuts right? That brings with it a certain fearlessness and lack of concern for others understanding you…perfectly and you’ll be able to say and do what you want to do how you want to do it with less inhibition.

- Right now I feel like giving a power point presentation with finger paintings for slides. I’d own it like a rock star.

- I feel like buying sweat proof war paint for the Eppie’s race this weekend.

If you remember nothing else or try nothing else, do yourself a favor and remember this:

1. Golden Rule for Personal Growth – Seek  to take in and express that which truly serves you and leave and avoid that which does not.

• Like a breath, take in that which serves, expel that which does not.

Negative thoughts and experiences are unavoidable, but through conscious effort you can decrease their effect and the amount of time it takes to push them out of your life.

• Consume that which serves you and pass by that which does not.

We have control over many aspects of our environment, what we eat, what we see, what we hear, etc. Of  the elements in your control, which are really doing you good long term? Which are helping you pursue your aspirations? Which feel good in the moment but are getting in the way? Call attention  to these elements.

• Do that which truly serves you and prevent yourself from doing that which does not.

Our actions our under our control. Our bodies develop physical habits and behaviors that correspond to our thoughts. Check your posture right now. Slouching? Call attention to it. Bad habits like excessive drinking smoking, over eating, etc. are connected to our thoughts- they are after all behaviors. Healthy physical actions can inspire healthy mental actions and vice versa. Whether you’re looking for a change or stress reduction, or a big slice of Zen, don’t ignore the physical body. Use it to be constructive and allow your physical efforts and aspirations to connect, inspire and synergize with your mental aspirations.

This is my little mantra. It requires discipline and constant effort but it’s worth it and has served me well. Adopt and adapt it to your life and may it serve you well.

2. Actively filter content. I seek  to consume that which truly serves me and avoid the trash that does not. This is a golden rule for me. When it comes to content, I only want to focus on, consume and interact with content that:

• helps me pursue my goals (in business and in life)
• inspires me (When I walk out of the movie theater,  away from the screen, article or book, I want to feel like doing something, building something, etc.)
• makes me feel truly happy in a more lasting way (think happy thoughts and memories worth savoring)
• challenges me (sometimes enrages, stresses me, but only in amounts I can handle)
• helps me relax

If you want to clean up your life and develop healthy thought patterns, start by cleaning up your psychological surroundings, that is, the environments that contribute to your mental state.  A good place to start is the big unchecked, elephant in the room  guilty pleasure: content. In the information age, there is no shortage of content to consume, and for better or for worse, most of it is trash. Following the golden rule makes it incredibly easy to cut down on consuming garbage TV, movies video games, gossip mags (and masculine equivalents) business magazines, etc. In the end, a majority of the content floating around out there does not help cultivate a happier, healthier mindset or inspire you. The little good it offers is disproportionate to the psychological detriment it causes.

Filtering out the noise and trash, frees up more time to allow me to do other things. Ask yourself this, on your tombstone which would you prefer to be written:

“Here lies Joe, he liked to watch other people do stuff.” OR “Here lies Joe. He did stuff and always had time for us.”

The choice is obvious. Simply by choosing to eliminate crap frees your mind and your time.

Examples of bad consumption habits:

• Over-Consuming TV/Video Games and The Web- You know it. I know it and for most of us, it’s difficult to stop. Start by calling attention to
• Watching TV/Video Games to fill time between work and sleep = the likely consumption 90% trash.
• Trash Content
• Gossip magazines, reality TV shows about suburban queens and celebrities, make you feel guilty, ugly, etc. don’t really add value to your life. Reality check: What most often derails you from your diets or other personal goals? Someone forcing you to eat cake for 3 meals a day, or, you hijacking your thoughts to create escape and avoidance route? Guilt, fear, anxiety and self-worth are all at play there, and

Consuming trash content is a major threat to health and wellness. It feeds negative thinking, devalued self worth, depression, and victimization that all get in the way of you going down a better path. What do I mean by trash? Crap content, or trash, is anything that has an overall more negative effect on your life and more specifically your thoughts. Content that discourages positive self image, deters you from a path of self-improvement and wellness. Trash content is all the noise- the glitz, glamor and graphics, all action, brutality and explosions and no substance. Bad writing is often at the root of it, encouraged by the overwhelming apathy when it comes to judging content to consume, (but that’s for a different post).

You will never be in short supply of funny videos to watch on the web, but you will always be in short supply of time to spend with friends and loved ones.

3. Have the Courage to Say No. Having self- respect sometimes requires you to take a stand and say  No. No thanks. None for me. I Won’t do that. Most people are lost like rats in a maze and will try to keep you lost in their and your habits and patterns. By most people, I also mean friends and loved ones that you and I care about. Help yourself and them by leading by example and saying no when offered things that do not serve you.

I say NO to slasher flicks. Friends still drag me to these things. After each and every single film without fail, both my friends and I come out regretting it. Have you ever seen anyone come out of a theater after seeing a horror film and jump up in the air with raised hands saying “I’m so glad I watched SAW 10. My Life Is Awesome.” ? NOPE. Yet, moments like these still happen every now and again.

We all have friends who push things on us both good and bad. It’s funny that often times, we have no problem pushing away or turning down things that are good for us, or that we ought to do, but we struggle to say no to the bad things.

Tip: How to Deal with Social Pressures and Pushy Friends

Explain what you value and how that value or principle contributes to your decision. So your new No message might be something like this:

NO Thanks- I won’t have a third slice of cake. I care about my figure and health and I’m working hard to make it better. A third piece of cake would  work against my effort and really wouldn’t serve me.

Be resolute. Repeat your reasoning in your mind. It’s just as important that you hear it as well.

4. Read. I know. Books right? The boring motionless medium that relays information-they still make em, and they’re incredibly useful. Change requires discipline; a focused and attentive mind. Books offer you that opportunity. They provide an intimate environment for you and the subject matter of your choice with a minimal amount of distractions. There’s no sidebar, there are no ads, and unless you read them on an e-reader, there’s no real option to change the channel and get distracted. Try reading a few-start to finish.

Don’t grab just any book. Do your homework- find something that will serve you long term. After all, you’re taking time to read this thing right? It might as well be something that helps you in life.

I’ll be the first to admit, when I was younger, I hated reading. I come from the video and video game generation and reading seemed like a very limited or low bandwidth information transfer protocol to me. However, I pushed my way through some self-help/personal development books, and found out just how fruitful the experience can be. Books changed my attitude, transformed my mind, and helped me change my behavior and thus have a major effect on my life. Well worth it.

5. Study/Cultivate. Don’t just read a book. Get the most out of it. Engage your imagination and get your whole brain involved. Study it. Apply its practices. Experiment. Start a discussion. Ask questions. Explore. Have fun with it. Most people read books just to say that they have read them, yet they don’t retain much of their information or wisdom. This is especially true of personal development books.

I read it and it didn’t work.

I hate hearing this statement. A book is not like a remote control for your television. Of course it didn’t work you only looked at it. You only read it. The book doesn’t work- you do the work.

The book doesn’t work.

This is very true especially when all you did was read it. If you applied nothing, you gained nothing. If you put nothing into practice, if you did not think critically and did not engage in discussions about the content, then of course it doesn’t work.  Time is precious, and in order to get the biggest bang for your buck, take on an attitude of cultivation and engagement with anything you wish to take seriously.

6. Relax. This can be more difficult than it may seem. Relaxing requires you to let go of the worries and task items in your life. Relaxing requires avoiding the web and email and walking away from the 24 hour negative new cycle. The best ways to relax involve getting out of your environment if you can, disconnecting from the consumption stream, and slowing your world down to the point where you can examine your thoughts as they come. Like a leaking faucet, you should be able to examine your thoughts at depth one drip at a time. You don’t have to do this to relax but if you’re in an environment that enables you to do so, you’re likely in a place where it’s easy to let go of time and enjoy the moment. This is a very different pace than the pace of work and much of our lives.

I struggle with relaxation. I’m a workaholic and a playaholic, and despite the need, I often avoid moments of complete relaxation. To cope and get to the point where I can easily relax, I do things like yoga, or go on long runs and bike rides. Sometimes I bring relaxing music, other times, I just enjoy the natural sounds or silence.  When I finish, my mind is calm and I’m ready to relax. It’s both funny and sad that nobody instructs you to prepare to relax, although you really ought to. Preparing for work is a part of education, yet relaxation is an important part of a healthy long term career and life and its left out of the equation and rarely taught.

7. Play. There is no age limit for play. Playing is important for everyone one. It reduces stress and relieves anxiety. There have been plenty of studies done on the importance of play as an adult as well as a child. Play should be light-hearted and fun. It should not be distressful. Play is different than work; even if you love what you do, you need to find time to play. Do something else. Be silly. Enjoy.

8. Pray/Meditate. Remind yourself of what you are trying to improve, call attention to it, daily, as often as you can. This practice brings determination, focus and attention to your goals and behaviors. The more you do it, the more attentive you’ll be.

9. Write. Of all the habits I have, few serve me as well as the habit of writing. Many people hate it and the reason I most often hear has to do with the technical demands- grammar and composition. However, to them I say, journals have been around forever, and they require no audience nor rules. You can write in a journal from the privacy of your own home, endeavoring in self exploration without fear of any judgement at all. Want a little interaction? Welcome to the age of the blog, where, in most cases, you’re not held to some high standard beyond relaying ideas and having conversations. Everyone should write.

Please Read 16 Quotes That Will Keep You Writing

10. Do. Discover the power and language of conviction. Just as you start by starting, you do by doing. The notion of “try” has become a verbal fabric softener. It works as a band-aid to help us cope or soften the blow of failure or the fear of new endeavors. Try is a word that implies a plan or easy exit strategy for failure. I will try to be honest. I will try to eat only 2 pieces of cake. Attempt is a similar word.  It’s okay to “try” new things, because the word helps us take that first step into the great unknown; but when it comes to goals, you are far more likely to succeed if you can visualize yourself actually accomplishing/achieving/doing the deed. Bottom line: Affirmations work better than “attempts” or “tries”  from the onset. Upon reflection, it’s okay to have tried and failed, or attempted, but visualize victory and doing something and you’re more likely to succeed.

It is an often said but poorly understood notion, that many if not most people in your life will try to discourage, devalue and chip away at your self-worth. Due to toxic patterns, poor upbringings, selfish behavior, and other environmental and psychological factors, the masses try to bring you down. While exploring this subject, I took a deeper look at these things, and decided to share my thoughts as to why people do this, what you can do stop them and yourself from , and how to cultivate and nourish your own sense of self-worth.

What does a healthy sense of self worth get you? A solid sense of self worth can go a long way to helping you earn more money at work, improve personal relationships, and reinforce your ability to  have enough self respect to say “No, I don’t have to”.

A  healthy sense of self worth also helps to:

1. Identify abuse and toxic patterns in your mind and in your relationships with others.
2. Demand more for your time. This may mean more money, more focused attention, more balanced role in a relationship, or just more.
3. Empower you with the ability to respectfully decline to do things that you don’t want to do; the power to confidently opt out.

Why People Bring You Down

One way or another it comes down to the ego. Control, fear, insecurity and  desire for dominance and schadenfreude  drive us to put others down,  be it internally in our heads or externally.  No gender is immune to the practice or effects of this behavior. Men crush other men, rub in victories and defeats, women trash talk, judge themselves and compare to themselves to others.  It seems like it’s the way of the world and it’s encouraged in our culture commercially throughout almost every medium and method of information consumption, making it more difficult than ever to ignore. You would think that because the world is telling everyone that they are worthless, that we could at least be our own advocates, but by in large, our thoughts tend to conform and betray their masters. Don’t give up- there is hope.

What is the cure?

An attitude of constant cultivation and nourishment of our own sense of self-worth and confidence actually allows us to feel more comfortable around others, more likely to encourage, relate, empathize and  focus on the task at hand.

How do I get it?

Become aware of your self-talk and what you’re doing internally to bring yourself down. Identify those moments and switch tracks by reminding yourself that you are in control of your thoughts, feelings and actions, and ultimately, it is your choice. Nurture your new found sense of self by paying homage to the body-mind connection. Think about hitting the gym, yoga, self improvement books,  find your zen, and take fun and play seriously.  Treat the stress reducing, nurturing

Why The Man is Always Trying to Bring You Down

Why they don’t really want you whistling while you work-it’s good for business.

In the business world, the preferred level of self-worth is lower than it ought to be. It is mandated and enforced by egotistical micro-managers and in every exchange. If you can lower your competitor, opponents, customers, and employees’ sense of self worth, you, (the superior one) can assert control and assure compliance.

• Lowering the self worth of others saves money. The lower the sense of self-worth, the lower the price of the goods or services as people will feel less confident.
• Ensuring compliance by projecting superiorty while simultaneously deflating your sense of self worth.
• Lowering self worth is often used by managers who are seeking improved performance. Ironically, if they lead by example, a new and more positive performance pressure would be created.

Carrying on between the sheets-these notions are at play in your personal relationships too.

Self worth is a big factor in determining whether the level of control in your relationships. Your confidence level is everything, plays a role in surrendering, seizing and balancing control. It effects how you judge yourself, what makes you insecure and jealous, etc.  

• If your partner feels that they are less attractive or more invested in the relationship, guess who holds the greater power?
• Guys know (and love…then loathe) this one- There is often a correlation between the self-worth and sexual performance. Someone with a lowered sense of self worth is more eager to please and more likely to be up for anything. I’ll let your imagination take you on that little journey. It’s great for a night but dealing with a damaged, depressed partner who is addicted to a cycle of self-deprecation is never a fun trip.

Common Misconceptions

Here are but a few misconceptions around self-worth that we operate on a daily basis:

• A Positive Sense of Self Worth is abi-something…abnormal. People are afraid and intimidated by those that are different, or who display genuine confidence and self worth. Society has such a toxic misunderstanding of confidence and self-worth, that it seeks to stamp out even the slightest sprout.

• A lower sense of self-worth is acceptable, respectful, and humble.  The problem with this notion is often that those doing the judging would prefer you to be so humble that you live under the floorboards. Many parents over-emphasize discouraging their children.

• Mistaking confidence for arrogance. The climate for confidence is so bad in this country that people seek to prevent any sign or inkling of self confidence. They do so in the name of preventing arrogance. Let’s clear this conundrum up right now. Confident people focus on being and doing while arrogant people emphasize pride in their achievements.

Friendly Reminders

• The world wants to bring you down right? GIVE THEM THE FINGER. Even at your best, if the world has it’s way, they’d give you 50 cents to the dollar. Remember: It’s got nothing to do with accurate assessment of your worth. There are many reasons why the world wants to get you down, and accurate and objective assessment is not on the list.
• Respect yourself enough to be picky about community. Strengthen and cultivate relationships with friends and loved ones who encourage, inspire, nurture and support the best in you.
• Consider eliminating the Debby Downers from your life. These are the self-loathing, depressed friends who narrate life as if each day were a Seinfeld episode.  At some point, you have to stand up for yourself and have the strength to move forward with or without them.
• Stop narrating your life in a negative way as if each  and everyday were a Seinfeld episode. It will eventually drive away all of those friends and loved ones who you really want around in life.

How To Fix it – 7 Ways to Super Charge Your Self Worth

1. START. Simply Sending yourself down a path of self-improvement is a helpful by itself. Decide to start. Whether it’s a diet, an exercise routine, a book, a conference, etc., just by seeking a path, you’ll see things improve. Problems arise when we procrastinate and excuse or allow ourselves to stray.
2. Clean up your psychological surroundings. Think of the things and content that feed the negative thoughts and consider reducing or eliminating them.
3. Put fun and relaxation on your schedule. Treat them as you would your most important business meeting. Block out the time and don’t let life interfere. Understand the effects these activities have. They re-invigorate you. They bring you more energy and excitement. They bring you back to life.
4. Monitor your internal chatter. Note when and where your thoughts begin to send you to a place of distress.
5. Confront your negative self talk with realistic and positive opportunities to act. Consciously make course corrections away from the thoughts that bring procrastination, distress, and anxiety.
6. Have courage and invest in self-respect. Having self- respect sometimes requires you to take a stand and say  No. No thanks. None for me. I Won’t do that.
7. Remind yourself of your goals when you have to interrupt temptations and old patterns e.g. ” No. I won’t have another piece of cake. I care about my figure and health and am working hard to improve it.”

As a former bully and formerly one of the bullied, and as any passionate man will tell you, there are some things you can say to people that they will find very hard to forget over many, many years. At a certain age, or rather, stage in personal development, you begin to realize and connect those moments when the flailed and barbed lashes of heavy words come to knock you down, with the blows you have dealt in the past. An awareness of a shared and universal suffering for all involved. It’s the kind of understanding that makes you pity everyone, and especially yourself. You recognize the guilt that will be carried by the one who inflicted the block quotes and carved them into the psyche, the ensuing mental spiral of paradox between self loathing and reflection by the one who received the harsh words. And the awareness grows to every person in your past whom you scorned and struck down with heavy words, often to hide out of fear and ignorance seeking to avoid pain, physical or otherwise.

The words themselves doled in absolutes- everything and anything and all the negative associated with you or him or her here after. These words come down with the conviction and gavel. The sentence is a smudged but searing brand on the brain whose burning doesn’t stop until reconciliation, forgiveness, or a greater understanding arrives.

I’ve buried others in those words and been buried by them. One of the few absolutes I know to be true, is that every time we throw stones, we also bury ourselves and set loose a new level of suffering upon the world.

I often think about the stones I’ve cast. I know it’s humble to say but it is true and truly no virtue to remember. What witty and pithy gems they were at times, and what blunt  and mighty blunders they were, and all of them were self deprecating. I think back to the years as a bully, the way I teased my brothers, the way I teased friends,  the way I retreated in fear from lovers, claiming self-defense and the way they, and others came back at me. Ironic that it is the stones I’ve thrown at others that weigh more heavily on my soul, than the worst blow dealt to me, whose scars still show and steer me so.

There are a few simple rules I attempt to follow, for the sake of my self and of others. I’m not big on name calling. I abhor it. I am reluctant to do so even jokingly especially with the one I love. A fun game of “word tag” can quickly escalate and have lasting effects. And in the heat of an argument, the effects are longer felt and far longer lasting. I refuse to go there- not from sense that I’m “holier than thou,” but because it has cost me dear, and in reflection costs me everyday. Among many bad habits among relationships that I know of, name calling is right up there with assertions involving absolutes. There are people I loved that I no longer get to see and may never again because of this habit. It amazes me how simple and cruel and often neglected a thing name calling is, and yet how powerful it is at driving people apart. Berating in any of it forms bites you in the ass my friends- and let’s just say I’ve got plenty of scars to prove it. So I try like hell not to do it, especially in the worst of fights. It’s nothing to brag about, any time I’m tempted to, I usually feel tingling feeling from all those psychological scars of yester-year, and I know better.

I feel shame and pity and hurt and confused, when someone loads the sling launches names and absolutes, leaving a bruise.  Enough blood is left to fill the head with questions. When called a name or scorned or berated I immediately retreat to think- and don’t we all, at least in secret:

Am I this way? Is it so? Is it to be so for all time? Is it true everything, always, all I am capable of is this? I feel I am not. I know that it is not so, therefore, by the assumption of which I must be arrogant to think these words false. Right?

And then the clever defender begins:

Who are you to tell me these things? What credentials have you to make such assertions?

And if you have a bit of compassion and humility- of which I suffer and yet cherish you respond:

You are me, or like me, or remind me of me when I was you. I’ve been angry. I’ve been hurt. I’ve been cruel. I’ve lashed out in response. I’ve been right, and wrong in the same instant too. You have the same capacity to feel that I do and therefore I must feel a bit off? Who better to know your feelings and therefore my implications in their creation than you?

The truth that time often delivers, and we are all to often the reluctant recipients of, is that there is that which is experienced by all involved, that which is felt and recorded, and the summation of all experience that makes up the whole of the truth. There is unfortunately, no objective record, for every record requires a recorder and an interpretor and it becomes a tangled mess all over. In humility, however, that is, when we yield our pride, we can gain an understanding of something closer to that whole, which brings us closer to each other.

My frustration and compassion and humility grow to a higher degree:
I think, what makes it so? How can you be so foolish to say something so lasting and seemingly permanent? Don’t you know that will hurt me now and for a while and you for longer still? I feel sorry for you, for bringing this suffering, for both of us. I feel shame, that I have played my part at what ever level to discourage the better version of yourself to this point. Now we will be given a greater mess to clean up.

The arrogant Odyssseyan interrupts: I am no man!
The self corrects sarcastically : Not even you, in all your might, and all your faults, are worthy of such scorn, or praise, or lacking title for that matter.

I reflect to my role and what brought me to this point: What did I say? What caused this? Did I cause it? Is the result true and just? Is the new title warranted? If it involves an absolute, every, all, never,  these are crowns that fit no man.

I also think about whomever is involved and this perhaps bothers me the most: How can you lose your temper to such a point where you can say such hurtful things? Does the punishment suit the crime? If the crime will be or can be forgotten in hours, days, weeks, a month or so, how can it be worth a statement that will stay with me for years to come? How can the lasting sting be fair trade? Am I so insensitive to sense an imbalance?

And in those moments I think upon my past actions and remember when I carelessly acted in anger, vengeance, the preservation of pride, or stubbornly held back from forgiving. I remember every victim, enemy, scorned lover, and so on. I am lucky in life to have learned at such an early age, this simple bit of empathy. When I think to those I’ve wronged, I truly think of them as I do myself, and our suffering makes me weep.

No man is worthy of any name or title of eternal condemnation, nor is guilty of an absolute. And no man is entitled to deliver such verbiage such to be thought it true. All of us are susceptible to the pains of verbal scorning, and the anger of the moment that causes us to deliver them in the moment. Remember who pays more in the rock fight, and throw into the fray nothing for which you cannot freely admit of yourself.

Friends, if you’ve ventured to read this far, let me reward you with simply this: In moments where emotions are high and time seems short, treat every line like it were your last. You never know when it will be. You never know when you will be blessed with an opportunity to apologize or reconcile. And if you are so lucky, recognize that is a blessing to be given such a moment and honor it without hesitation. Be careful when you tell others in scorn that ALL they do is … Everything they say is…Anytime I…You… It hurts more than we care to admit or be aware of and few of us care enough to become so. There are many other options and thoughts to explore before making such lasting impressions upon a person.

If you don’t remember to refrain for your own sake, to avoid lasting pain, or for the sake of others, At the very least, and I selfishly insert, remember to be so kind, compassionate, and humble to remember not to bring such things to my door. I will wear such blows, dealt or received and think of them often, as will others. The pain from them is felt fresh with every movement, thought and recollection. They are long to heal and hard to forget. I have been given many titles and explained in many permanent lines, and few of them truly earned and fewer warranted.

Always late
Never on time
Always critical (rarely given as a complement)
Always insensitive ( or always will be)
Everything I do hurts everyone or someone specific
Everytime I say something it hurts everyone or someone specific

Here are some things that I am told that I am, as simple, un-malleable truths.
I am a:
selfish
cruel
insensitive
fat (I had to include this, just to demonstrate how absurd and flawed these things are)
person

And my personal favorite- the target I hand everyone to see if they are really trying to get to me
I am an asshole

It’s funny when I tell people not to call me that (and I do so in fair weather, before they are angry with me), this is the go to favorite. When I hear it, it annoys me, not so much the word as the reason why someone wishes to give it to me. This is character assassination to be carried out like Brutus stabbing Caesar. And why? Malice? To cause as much emotional pain as possible.  I challenge anyone to dangle such a weakness, a word that they hate to test their loved ones. See what happens in the moment. Amazing isn’t it?  How long did it take? What did it take to for it to be uttered? A little? A lot? What does that say of us? How about a little more compassion and integrity.

All of these things baffle me and I wish we could have a major cultural shift as a people to cultivate more compassion to reach out for more understanding of one another before becoming so upset in the first place. In my life at least, with those around me, I hope their capacity for compassion, reaching out in understanding, humility, and reluctance for harsh speech, grows even beyond the level at which they have obtained, for obviously they are quite compassionate and forgiving to tolerate me. These are things I can teach because those around me can learn from my many mistakes, which I am happy to point out.

I often struggle with the merits of humility, as I am in the habit of being the first one to apologize even when my feelings are hurt and I feel someone else more at fault. I remind myself that my humility and willingness to take responsibility is not a weakness but an opportunity for others to practice their virtues as well. I’d rather be the guy who delivers the off-ramps, early and often from cycle of suffering and self detriment. I don’t see the value in steering for the fast lane to a shit storm. Be the guy who offers off-ramps, cool downs,  side-steps, forgiveness, etc. Hopefully people around you will develop a tendency to take advantage and offer you the same when you are stuck /lost in anger and frustration

*This isn’t short, nor sweet, not a tweet or a  status update. It is  but one of many mental wanderings, open for discussion, debate and comment. – It’s a convoluted exercise that’s good for my brain!